Displaced..

Got a lot of things to say picking up at the middle is more appropriate than the beginning. Things ought to be in their place, even memories whilst we are on the topic of picking up where we left off, how do you pick up a life hastily abandoned years ago?

Million Faces~ Paolo Nutini

You know the story of the frog that sat in a well and wished to see the stars shining up in the dark brooding skies? Well it went something like this…so the frog finally got out of the well and to this new exciting outside world spite of the froggy peers advise about the big bad world.  Lets fast forward a couple of frog years , so Mr. Learned Frog returns to the well (Don’t ask me why) all learned sans the “Worldly Wise” attitude, hoping to slip back to normalcy knowing all that he knew, and seeing all that he had seen. I cannot remember for the life of me how the story ended, but normal in Mr. Frog’s life was quite underrated, yes you heard me right, I said underrated He was wise but not wise enough to know Normal was not what he would get when he did get back. You see the problem was this – Mr. Frog had a heart that belonged in the well, but a mind that had aged beyond his years.. Slowing down was not his problem, it was the falling behind. Anyways I might suck at storytelling, but I hope you get the gist. I have no moral of the story,  nor a quirky clever sign off, but if I must end I say this “Oh how we chase the past…..and yet soo afraid to find it breathing down the neck all but to tie a noose”

Until next time….

Oh a million faces pass my way
Oh they’re all the same, nothing seem to change anytime I look around ,Oh who knows just what the future holds”

An Utopian Citizen..

I should have known,,,…I should have known that I couldn’t stay without writing….

Denial,,,, I know I don’t make sense half the time…..and miss the point the other half…..

Wish You Were Here ~ Kate Voegele

I just realized that no matter where you are at in your life the temptation to stay away from your past or look back on what could have been is too much…….

“Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am a utopian citizen
Still convinced
There’s no such thing as idealism”

You need it as much to grow and grow out of it…..

Like breathing…….you don’t have to remind yourself….it just happens naturally…..

You slip in and out of it as if it was your second nature to contemplate on the past…….

It is a f**ked up theory I know…….but its true……

Why are we soo fixated? So stuck in the past that we console ourselves with the thoughts of the future not realizing the future was today!….It was today just like yesterday and just like tomorrow…….it was here…..

“Memories they’re following me like a shadow now
And I’m dreamin’
And I’ve already suffered the fever of disbelief”

The most frustrating part of it all……you spend your last 5-10 years looking back,…..unaware of the time that keeps passing by….which is a worry because sure as hell I don’t want to be here for the next five………

You know all the crap about dreaming……and living the dream……well forget it,…..you might try living life for a change,,,,,

“I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn’t soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I’m mesmerized by the picture that’s in my mind”

Where is the solution? what is the solution?I need to fix this desperately ….

When did life become soo saturated with all this s**t from the past?

I feel the world is closing all its door to me…..because I was too busy opening all these windows to a past……

“Tell me when I’ll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
‘Cause I don’t want to keep on believin’ in illusions”

Am I  living a double life?……wanting to belive in the a future filled with all the hope and the glory it brings along…… and at the same time butchering all the slightest possibilities of realizing  the truth of this reality ….

Am I the only one who has this all wrong?

“Sometimes I can’t explain
And I’m so sorry that I can’t
I’ll try to concentrate
On your true identity”

As I toss and turn in the darkness……disgusted by my inability to take on life….like taking a bull by its horns (Ah the cliché…)……I have never felt so hopelessly weak and lost……

What have I done?

Will I always chase after the perfect ending?

What am I talking about? there never will be an ending to this story……. there never was a beginning…….

It was all in my head…….I had it all in my head…..oh what have I done?

“I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were

Don’t get me wrong I never once regretted it……

And I know for a fact that I never will….

It aint hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were”

I wish you were here…

And I wish I was here………

Living  today……..

I am the King…

I remember discussing funeral songs one day with my colleagues…it was one of those strange conversations which crop up once in a while…….a song played at a funeral…one of my colleagues wanted It’s getting hot in here (Nelly)  played while being cremated……. we laughed soo hard …I thought it was hillarious………I remember I wanted “King of Sorrow”  played at mine….. it wasn’t a funny choice but the funny part was that- I was damn serious about it………

Jokes apart……If I had to pick a song…….that one track which would define my life……. the one and only official “Soundtrack of my life”…..probably the most played song on my playlist till date…..

King of Sorrow ~ Sade

Picture of Sinatra on my work board?

No idea why this song…I could never give a reason….but it just feels right………

“I’m crying everyone’s tears
And there inside our private war”

I don’t think you need to be clinically depressed to love this song to bits…….love Sade……love her dreamy voice…..  she sings and I feel unburdened…….like a lullaby…….and I drift away……

“And all of these remnants of joy and disaster
What am I suppose to do?”

What do you do when cares are pressing you down?

“I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
But nothing would change, nothing would change at all”

Probably the truest words ever written (or sung in this case)……

Soup……ah soup…….I wish I could cook a soup that could warm people’s soul…….people I care about the most……

But yet she says…..nothing would change…nothing would change at all…….the truth is……you cannot carry people’s burden for them no matter how much you wish you could…….. the bitter truth is – we all carry our own crosses…….maybe we could be someone’s Simon once in a while and share the burden of their cross momentarily……but end of the day…..you carry your own………you gotto carry your own ….

“I have so much to do
I have to carry on”

When you feel yourself  crumbling under the weight……there is nothing you can do……but carry on…….

“I suppose I could just walk away
Will I disappoint my future if I stay” ????

Yes you can give it up……Yes you can throw it all away in a second……and walk away from it all…..

I should know better…..I should know what it feels like,  being a disappointment…….but the worst you can do is be a disappointment to yourself……..

“I’m crying everyone’s tears
I have already paid for all my future sins”

and you pay……you pay with your dreams……you pay with your time……and you pay in all possible ways that you possibly can………

“There’s nothing anyone
Can say to take this away “

Nothing…………..not a word……

“I wonder if this grief will ever let me go
I feel like I am the king”

Ever?……ever is a scary word…..scarier than never….

“It’s just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing’s any good”

What is a good day? as opposed to a bad day?

I do not know…….

“I wonder will this grief ever be gone
Will it ever go” ????

“I feel like I am the King…….

King of Sorrow………”