Soundtrack – Missing Soundtrack

House of boxes

To Build A Home ~ The Cinematic Orchestra, Patrick Watson

I have felt a lot of things in my life, confidence was my least favourite feeling! I still don’t like it , I don’t feel good about it. Hate feeling confident in the fear that I might one day become overconfident and then people may finally see through me , this scared little fake ass suffering from imposter syndrome. Why not just keep quiet? “Don’t speak up! Why do people need to know what you think? What makes you think they care? Sit down lady and let the man or woman speak! Your idea is mediocre. Stop you are just speaking nonsense now! Why waste time with your thoughts? Move on you ain’t got this! This is way out of your lane! Stay in your lane for Pete sakes. You have nothing nothing to offer….” [now that’s just a small snippet of what goes through my head in a matter of few seconds] Fun-noe?”

I have boxes at the bottom of my bed with little art projects started and not finished. I have little books with little writings in them. Cut outs of interesting patterns! Raging Fires of creativity sloppily tucked away. Out of nowhere come these waves of inspirations where I get swept away , build a castle in the air and crash it with a good dose of reality. “Hush now, quiet! I need to go to work on Monday no time for dreaming. B*tch you got bills to pay, you cannot afford dreams. You are lucky you have a job that pays, be grateful!”

This song is that rush, the crescendo and the calm… just for now let me sit on it! Until next time. I will be seeing you around, kid.

No one..

Lost Cause – Hannah Georgas

I went to one of my favourite restaurants the other day, the wait for a table was for about 45 mins the waitress informed. “Lets grab a drink” said my other half. “No, I am committed to the process” I said as I watched him walk away to the next bar, I just wanted to be by myself . I waited outside, alone watching people come and go it as it drizzled lightly. 30 mins later eating my soupy noodles I felt its warmth, food to soothe my soul- it did not fix everything but for that moment everything was OK.

In Life too it seems- I have been waiting for that breakthrough as the days fade in and out, the one that will make everything seem OK, something that will fix this hole inside. I am not going to lie I wish it was as easy as waiting outside the restaurant knowing exactly what to order on the menu. No sir, this is the yearning that has been years in the making ….somehow this hallow shell of a person I have become is not who I was meant to be. I know its rich coming from someone who is sitting in the warmth of her home while the whole world is coming undone. Seems selfish, doesnt it? . I want that cabin in the woods with nothing but my thoughts with silence ringing for miles, paper and pen in my hand pouring everything into the pages and drown into it.

Cleanse myself in misery, only to come out of it as a truer image of who I used to be… full of life, love and joy. To be lost in the wilderness of emotions…to break open those boxes of memories and set fire to them to feel their warmth burn me down to the ground. Let the noises of mind scream loud…… tear open the silence. But all I can do is wait….

Stay commited to the proces……

An Army

Rescue ~ Lauren Daigle

Bear with me – this might take awhile..

Bear with me – this will only take a moment.

Bear with me – I just need to breathe..

Bear with me – stepping out for air…

Bear with me – this is harder than I thought..

Bear with me – it’s the middle of the night.

Bear with me – I just might have lost my way..

Bear with me – just need a moment to think

Bear with me – but who crossed the line…

Bear with me – this might sound childish.

Bear with me – haven’t got all the answers…

Bear with me – this is too real..

Bear with me- while I ask why?

Bear with me – I don’t see it….

Bear with me – while I find it…

Bear with me – it’s hard for me to say..

Bear with me – while I look the other way..

Bear with me – you might have forgotten..

Bear with me – while I try to remember ..

Bear with me – I am a little weary…

Bear with me – here is what I have to say…

Bear with me – what makes you think I care?

Bones

Excavate ( feat* Saint Claire) – Macklemore

Hang with me awhile, Watson.

I am at the window, staring out. You see that reflection? yes, I see her too.

It is all sort of cloudy up here. Do you know what the difference between the light and dark is? It is where you find yourself, each day.

Like a layer of sadness melting all over you, you take a deep breath and let it fold you in.

Reflect quietly – was it you? Is it you? why is it always you?

Everywhere and anywhere you go- is it you? Are you too much? Are you too little? Stop it..

Rewind- do you remember? Rework those steps. That pattern… is it you?

It is heavy , have you wound yourself too tight? Step in here, rewrite…. focus, heal and let it go.

Open that box, lift it out and gently lay it down.

Wait…..

And you wait…. do you feel lighter?

See that reflection? Yes I see her. She is there.

Standing and looking out of that window….

I see her. She is here. You are here. “I” am here.

Drive

OTW- Khalid

Some of the best memories I have are of us driving with the radio in the background mostly late nights because we wanted to just get out….

Sounds very BASIC doesn’t it? Well I am a basic b**** after all.

It’s those little things that you need to appreciate when it comes at a premium these days…. .

Taking turns to play each other’s playlist…. Talking about random things which I don’t remember….

That sacred silence we shared every time James Bay’s let it go played heartbreakingly….

However can I just be clear though I sucked at navigation and we had our days of missing those important exits and driving through ‘no entry’s …

All thanks to yours truly who couldn’t read maps (still can’t) or distracted the driver by talking too much… nonetheless we did fight a lot too…?!

At the risk of sounding extremely corny- this song makes me want to go back to driving in the car with the coolest kid I fell in love with……

Because it makes me feel like that girl in that car on that 5 hour trip…… albeit for 4:23 mins…..

Oh and I am in love with Khalid too and obsessed with my playlist only of him!

Where has this kid been all these years?

Staring

Skinny Love – Bon Iver

I used to loathe this song, I still kind of do. I don’t know what he is saying or what skinny love means. I could look it up but to be honest I don’t really care.

I stood waiting for a cab today and this song played and I really did not mind it.

Today I understood what the idiom “took the wind out of my sails” actually feels like- literally.

It’s the knowing ….. realising more like from the deepest part of you brain or heart (depending where you think or act from) – a simple thought , “wow, I will never be good enough will I?”

It’s powerful and devastating at the same time.

Knowing you will never fly high enough without being shot down at every flight.

Knowing that the ticket to somewhere led you nowhere.

Knowing you will never ever be able to laugh your heart out.

Knowing this is you – scarred and never complete.

Knowing you are just another number.

Knowing you are going to be as insignificant as the grain of sand in the vastness that exists.

Knowing you will never ever fall in love again with the same intensity as you did when you were young.

Knowing you will exist and tomorrow will come with more tiny heartbreaks and knocks that will become the new norm….

Knowing you can no longer give…..

Knowing you will never ever be – good enough….

Knowing , just knowing…

Coming Home….

So what do you call a girl who got all that she wished for?

Honestly, I don’t know.

Dancing on my own ~ Pixie Lott Ft. GD & T.O.P

Since I am no longer dancing on my own, can I just say “Touch Wood, Life is good!”.

Let me mark this timeline as the best it’s ever been and the best it will ever be.

The best 10,000ft leap of faith ever, worth every scream and every skipped heartbeat.

Cut the cheese and slash the gooey, gushy, mush.

He says he “kept it real“

I say he kept it him.

So what if we don’t play Love songs on the radio.

So what if we threw the keys away along with caution.

We are still falling. 🙂

Play one more song…

A Tell Tale Sign

Nothing in My Way ~ Keane

I should know answering fire with fire is no way to resolve issues……… I am no epitome of patience but I ought to know better…..

Do I call the contradicting forces tearing my life apart blessings in disguise?

The truth is it is hard to watch yourself waste away in the hopes of conquering a fate that is not yours to create…….or should I say was never yours to create……

Waste is a word which is like a Mac knife stuck in my side…….threatening to muffle my voices of faith and last cries of hope….

I who am nothing…….will never be defined by what I leave behind……

Bitter I may be but not yet insane……..

I am not what I used to be…..but I am not who I have never been…….

I am the yet to come……..and this day will pass……this pain will subside ……this ravenous storm……will calm…..

And then when the truth finds it’s way home……there I will be to break the whispering wind…..becoming my own……..

“It’s just another day, nothing in my way…..I don’t want to go……. I don’t want to stay….so there’s nothing left to say”

Displaced..

Got a lot of things to say picking up at the middle is more appropriate than the beginning. Things ought to be in their place, even memories whilst we are on the topic of picking up where we left off, how do you pick up a life hastily abandoned years ago?

Million Faces~ Paolo Nutini

You know the story of the frog that sat in a well and wished to see the stars shining up in the dark brooding skies? Well it went something like this…so the frog finally got out of the well and to this new exciting outside world spite of the froggy peers advise about the big bad world. Lets fast forward a couple of frog years , so Mr. Learned Frog returns to the well (Don’t ask me why) all learned sans the “Worldly Wise” attitude, hoping to slip back to normalcy knowing all that he knew, and seeing all that he had seen. I cannot remember for the life of me how the story ended, but normal in Mr. Frog’s life was quite underrated, yes you heard me right, I said underrated He was wise but not wise enough to know Normal was not what he would get when he did get back. You see the problem was this – Mr. Frog had a heart that belonged in the well, but a mind that had aged beyond his years.. Slowing down was not his problem, it was the falling behind. Anyways I might suck at storytelling, but I hope you get the gist. I have no moral of the story, nor a quirky clever sign off, but if I must end I say this “Oh how we chase the past…..and yet soo afraid to find it breathing down the neck all but to tie a noose”

Until next time….

“Oh a million faces pass my way
Oh they’re all the same, nothing seem to change anytime I look around ,Oh who knows just what the future holds”

Wise Man

How You Remind Me ~ Nickelback

It was a reminder alright….

You know the problem with being the “Bad Guy” in a story..

Is that your perception is as screwed as the person next to you….. you just happen to hold the title….

People love themselves a Hero……don’t they?

But you got to agree….we need a Bad Guy who can make the Good Guy look Good…..am just sayin…..

It don’t matter if you are the victim or the villain….

The hero always saves the day…..

So next time you want to talk about saving the world, maybe Superman here can lend you his heart scratch that…..I meant lend you his “Kryptonite” ….Wait! No……we meant call Clark Kent….

’nuff said….

I am going to put my hands in my pocket and whistle a happy song……cause they say that the Sun’s gonna be gone for too long…..

“Never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me”

I could do more than just waste your time, son.