Life – Missing Soundtrack

House of boxes

To Build A Home ~ The Cinematic Orchestra, Patrick Watson

I have felt a lot of things in my life, confidence was my least favourite feeling! I still don’t like it , I don’t feel good about it. Hate feeling confident in the fear that I might one day become overconfident and then people may finally see through me , this scared little fake ass suffering from imposter syndrome. Why not just keep quiet? “Don’t speak up! Why do people need to know what you think? What makes you think they care? Sit down lady and let the man or woman speak! Your idea is mediocre. Stop you are just speaking nonsense now! Why waste time with your thoughts? Move on you ain’t got this! This is way out of your lane! Stay in your lane for Pete sakes. You have nothing nothing to offer….” [now that’s just a small snippet of what goes through my head in a matter of few seconds] Fun-noe?”

I have boxes at the bottom of my bed with little art projects started and not finished. I have little books with little writings in them. Cut outs of interesting patterns! Raging Fires of creativity sloppily tucked away. Out of nowhere come these waves of inspirations where I get swept away , build a castle in the air and crash it with a good dose of reality. “Hush now, quiet! I need to go to work on Monday no time for dreaming. B*tch you got bills to pay, you cannot afford dreams. You are lucky you have a job that pays, be grateful!”

This song is that rush, the crescendo and the calm… just for now let me sit on it! Until next time. I will be seeing you around, kid.

An Army

Rescue ~ Lauren Daigle

Bear with me – this might take awhile..

Bear with me – this will only take a moment.

Bear with me – I just need to breathe..

Bear with me – stepping out for air…

Bear with me – this is harder than I thought..

Bear with me – it’s the middle of the night.

Bear with me – I just might have lost my way..

Bear with me – just need a moment to think

Bear with me – but who crossed the line…

Bear with me – this might sound childish.

Bear with me – haven’t got all the answers…

Bear with me – this is too real..

Bear with me- while I ask why?

Bear with me – I don’t see it….

Bear with me – while I find it…

Bear with me – it’s hard for me to say..

Bear with me – while I look the other way..

Bear with me – you might have forgotten..

Bear with me – while I try to remember ..

Bear with me – I am a little weary…

Bear with me – here is what I have to say…

Bear with me – what makes you think I care?

Staring

Skinny Love – Bon Iver

I used to loathe this song, I still kind of do. I don’t know what he is saying or what skinny love means. I could look it up but to be honest I don’t really care.

I stood waiting for a cab today and this song played and I really did not mind it.

Today I understood what the idiom “took the wind out of my sails” actually feels like- literally.

It’s the knowing ….. realising more like from the deepest part of you brain or heart (depending where you think or act from) – a simple thought , “wow, I will never be good enough will I?”

It’s powerful and devastating at the same time.

Knowing you will never fly high enough without being shot down at every flight.

Knowing that the ticket to somewhere led you nowhere.

Knowing you will never ever be able to laugh your heart out.

Knowing this is you – scarred and never complete.

Knowing you are just another number.

Knowing you are going to be as insignificant as the grain of sand in the vastness that exists.

Knowing you will never ever fall in love again with the same intensity as you did when you were young.

Knowing you will exist and tomorrow will come with more tiny heartbreaks and knocks that will become the new norm….

Knowing you can no longer give…..

Knowing you will never ever be – good enough….

Knowing , just knowing…

Coming Home….

So what do you call a girl who got all that she wished for?

Honestly, I don’t know.

Dancing on my own ~ Pixie Lott Ft. GD & T.O.P

Since I am no longer dancing on my own, can I just say “Touch Wood, Life is good!”.

Let me mark this timeline as the best it’s ever been and the best it will ever be.

The best 10,000ft leap of faith ever, worth every scream and every skipped heartbeat.

Cut the cheese and slash the gooey, gushy, mush.

He says he “kept it real“

I say he kept it him.

So what if we don’t play Love songs on the radio.

So what if we threw the keys away along with caution.

We are still falling. 🙂

Play one more song…

Displaced..

Got a lot of things to say picking up at the middle is more appropriate than the beginning. Things ought to be in their place, even memories whilst we are on the topic of picking up where we left off, how do you pick up a life hastily abandoned years ago?

Million Faces~ Paolo Nutini

You know the story of the frog that sat in a well and wished to see the stars shining up in the dark brooding skies? Well it went something like this…so the frog finally got out of the well and to this new exciting outside world spite of the froggy peers advise about the big bad world. Lets fast forward a couple of frog years , so Mr. Learned Frog returns to the well (Don’t ask me why) all learned sans the “Worldly Wise” attitude, hoping to slip back to normalcy knowing all that he knew, and seeing all that he had seen. I cannot remember for the life of me how the story ended, but normal in Mr. Frog’s life was quite underrated, yes you heard me right, I said underrated He was wise but not wise enough to know Normal was not what he would get when he did get back. You see the problem was this – Mr. Frog had a heart that belonged in the well, but a mind that had aged beyond his years.. Slowing down was not his problem, it was the falling behind. Anyways I might suck at storytelling, but I hope you get the gist. I have no moral of the story, nor a quirky clever sign off, but if I must end I say this “Oh how we chase the past…..and yet soo afraid to find it breathing down the neck all but to tie a noose”

Until next time….

“Oh a million faces pass my way
Oh they’re all the same, nothing seem to change anytime I look around ,Oh who knows just what the future holds”

Getting through…

You ~ Switchfoot

I learned something today….

I learned that when the going gets tough…..I run to my Dad…..

I realised that no matter how tough I act or how ridiculously smug I am….. I need my father to hold my hand when the world rears its ugly head at me…..

I remember calling my Dad who lives 7,000 miles away and crying about my leaking roof foolishly……. thinking that he can fix it……wanting to believe he can fix it…for me…..

Today is just one of those days……

I was on my way to lunch…….I saw the elderly couple I see at the church every sunday…..they were walking from the local surgery……

I lit up, cause it had been awhile since I last saw them…..I was happy to see them…..

I enquired if all was well as I did not see them at church for couple of weeks, she shook her head…and my heart dropped….she held my hand and she shook her head…..I saw it in her eyes………and my throat started to close up…..like unknown hands had gripped it and it hurt like hell……She looked deep into my eyes desperately……holding my hands tighter…..she said “He has dementia”, I wanted to scream……like I was in pain……I thought I would explode…she repeated those words…..and all I could hear was white noise…… I don’t know why she looked at me like that..but it tore my soul up…..I struggled with words….. clumsily I put my hand on her small shoulders and said “I will pray”…and “It will be ok”..I couldnt bear to look at her…… I wanted to pull away…..

I wanted to pull away and walk as quickly as I can…….because I did not know what to do…or say…….I wanted it to stop this pain inside……like someone stuffed a piece of cloth down my throat…….

I looked at him…….and he smiled at me……..I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me…..

I wanted someone to hold me tight……hold my breaking heart……and make the pain go away,.,,,,

I wanted to say something and the words failed me…….

I got back to work…..I called that one person who’s voice would make it ok…….. and numb my pain……

I called my Father…..

Incoherently I spoke between sobs ……..I muttered I wasnt ok……I repeated what had just passed

I wanted to tell him instead that my world was crashing around me….and I wanted him to hold me…..and make it stop……make it all stop….

I don’t remember what he said…..I still don’t remember what he said……

Her voice still rings clearly in my head……I saw her pain and it was just too real for me to handle……I saw her tears ….and now I am haunted by it….

And I cannot stop it…….

I want the world to make sense…….

I want it to be ok…..

I want them to be ok…..

I want to go back to that moment and ask her “If there is something I can do?”,….I want to say all the things I could not say,,,

I want to hold them tight…..

I want it to go away like a bad dream…..

I want to remember them togeather…..Holding hands…..

Watching them at church I envied them together……I wanted to grow old like that…..

I don’t want this memory……

Try as I may it won’t leave me alone……

I want my father to say “It will be ok”

Just this once….

I want him to fix it…….

“There’s always something in the way
There’s always something getting through”

Silly Little Moment…..

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room ~ John Mayer

Been my jam for 2 days now……I cannot stop listening….

John Mayer in 2 posts straight….hmm

“It’s not a silly little moment,
It’s not the storm before the calm”

Someone said the other day “You are not what you have”

If you think you are what you have then you are a fool…..said the Wiseman…

Well that’s good cause I have nothing…..(I mean nothing that needs to be padlocked or hidden in a bank’s safe)

Do I like the feeling of having nothing?

I will come back to that in a min…..

“Nobody’s gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms”

So the world doesn’t walk your walk……

And the problem is?

I am not a straight line that the world has to scale itself against…..

But I am gonna walk the talk I talk…..the only one I know……

So what if my Heroes are as tragic as I am?

Sure they dint scale mountains or build empires…..

But they won these once lost dreams……

So I havent got it all figured out……and?

So I haven’t conquered the world yet…..Atleast I graduated in you ‘Life’

“How dare you say it’s nothing to me?”

Do I like the feeling of having nothing?

Are you kidding me? It is liberating…..

“Go cry about it – why don’t you?”

I graduated in you – Life!

and I intend to learn your lessons my way……. Thank you very much!

“Don’t you think we oughta know by now?
Don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow?”

Forgot about Faith…

I fall asleep mysteriously these days…

I snooze everywhere I can and at any given time of the day….

I sit on the couch and its barely noon and I am off before I know it…

Hours later I wake up and it’s almost the end of the day..

In God’s Hands ~ Nelly Furtado

I know its trivial…….

But in the time I have fallen asleep I feel ages have gone by…

and I forget what happened a few hours ago…..

I remember struggling to sleep for years…..

“Now our love’s floating out the window
Our love’s floating out the back door
Our love’s floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began back in God’s hands”

Life has its poetic moments….and all that implies…….

Walking in the rain yesterday, was mine….

“Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky to heaven
It’s part of a plan
It’s back in God’s hands
Back in God’s hands”

Pretend,

Be Be Your Love~ Rachael Yamagata

This song is intoxicating, if you haven’t heard it yet here is a tip YouTube it pronto….

“If I could take you away….”

Someone once told me….pick your battles….

Pick the battles that are worth fighting for….

Don’t stress about the whats, whens and the whys….

“Pretend I was queen”

How am I to know?

How will I know when I should give up and when should I go on fighting? ….fighting for what I believe in…

“What would you say
Would you think I’m unreal?”

What if I don’t want to know the truth?

“‘Cause everybody’s got their way I should feel”

What if I am the one who cannot handle the truth….

Worse, what if I have always known the truth…

The only truth…

“Everybody’s talking how I, can’t, can’t be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real”

The Odds

The Actor ~ Michael Learns to Rock

Now now don’t go judging my taste in music,just because it is MLTR, I will have you know MLTR was a great band to whom I owe my true teenage romance….

I have a very dear mixed tape which has Paint My Love taped trillion times on it……maybe that will be a story to tell for another day…

But we have many MLTR songs to play……maybe we will and maybe we won’t who knows….well time will tell…

Speaking of time……how the tables have changed…..

Not opening a can of worms or anything….am just generally surprised by the change….. Like tasting a lemon cake after a cup of coffee (which is yum btw you should try it)

No no I am not getting this right….

I am generally surprised by life…..and the change it has brought about …..

The change in me and the people I knew…..

I am surprised (that doesn’t happen a lot….believe me)

Well switch to the song….I’ll get to the point in a min….

It is a tough one to decipher….(well not really……writing it in detail will just give the plot away…..you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure this one out…..)

“He takes you out and he
takes you up
’cause he can show you so much
I go to bed and tomorrow again
There’s a lot of work to be done”

I travelled on a train one day and I met this old sailor gentleman or a seaman as they would like to be called…..who loved the sea too much….

We spoke about life and things in general…….

He commented on the Thomas Hardy book which I was reading at the time…”The Woodlanders”

I told him it was my second reading and it was one of my all time favorites by Hardy…..

As the conversation went on…..he amazed me with his wit and honesty…..

He was in deep thought…..and suddenly he said to me (what he said next,,,,,this I was not ready for)…..that I deserved to be with a dreamer…..someone who is not ambitious to take over the world….but is wise enough…..who has a big heart and is loved by all….

“He gives you gold and
He’ll promise you
The whole world will be yours
I just can tell you I love you so
Even though my odds are low”

I was astonished…..and at the same time I doubted the matter being true…..I wondered should he say this to another girl…..she would feel the same way…..like I did at the time…..How does he know me so well? Maybe he is a con artist (or just a big old smoothie who knows what to say to get the women smiling)

Anyways my destination was near and I bid farewell to the sage sailor , he wished me well and I got off the train ……Undeniable was fact he left a deep impression on me by saying the things he said…. but what he said got me thinking……even though he pulled off the “I envision your man to be” trick with ease…..I knew what he said was nevertheless true…..

“The dirty games and the
Neonshows
This is the world he knows
Watching the stars satisfies my soul
Thinking of him makes me feel so cold”

People think I am lying when I tell them I don’t dig the ambitious wall street, suited up, Porsche driving Joneses’ and Smiths’ , oh the dirty looks they throw when I say I rather the man write poetry that don’t sell or tend a farm and bring up half a dozen of grubby looking kids…

I imagine the looks I’d get from my family if I told them…..oh the looks of horror….quite comical……lol thinking of it just cracks me up….

Who would have thought it…….

But it is true though……I feel I am not meant to be the lady of leisure who tends to her immaculately manicured lawns….nor am I the type to be the trophy wife who dotes on her golf playing husband and is the epitome of a perfect hostess who knows how to throw a party for the crème le de creme…nor is it my wish to be the power dressing 9-5 woman expected to say nothing but razor sharp things (so sharp I nearly cut myself there)..no sir, these hands were made for scrubbing those grubby kids……and tending to a half a dozen of animals……growing tomatoes…..packing organic lunches…..wearing cotton dresses, reading books in a hammock and worrying about little cuts and bruises….

“The fancy cars and the
Restaurants
You’re just so fond of the man
Sometimes I wonder if you are blind
Can’t you see, he’s got dirt on his mind”

If only…..if only life was as simple as Hardy’s simpleton folks….

So how did the tables turn? why do people love slotting you into little pigeon holes?

Why is high-end the ultimate end? and why is class always on top?

Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence the saying goes…..

nevertheless expectations are to be met….and predestined paths to be tred……Or so I am told….

So don’t call me a hypocrite if I fall victim of the swanky Lord of the Mansion on the next street……atleast I wished to be on the other side of the fence….

Tag: Life