Tag: Regret

House of boxes

A box full of dreams

To Build A Home ~ The Cinematic Orchestra, Patrick Watson

I have felt a lot of things in my life, confidence was my least favourite feeling! I still don’t like it , I don’t feel good about it. Hate feeling confident in the fear that I might one day become overconfident and then people may finally see through me , this scared little fake ass suffering from imposter syndrome. Why not just keep quiet? “Don’t speak up! Why do people need to know what you think? What makes you think they care? Sit down lady and let the man or woman speak! Your idea is mediocre. Stop you are just speaking nonsense now! Why waste time with your thoughts? Move on you ain’t got this! This is way out of your lane! Stay in your lane for Pete sakes. You have nothing nothing to offer….” [now that’s just a small snippet of what goes through my head in a matter of few seconds] Fun-noe?”

I have boxes at the bottom of my bed with little art projects started and not finished. I have little books with little writings in them. Cut outs of interesting patterns! Raging Fires of creativity sloppily tucked away. Out of nowhere come these waves of inspirations where I get swept away , build a castle in the air and crash it with a good dose of reality. “Hush now, quiet! I need to go to work on Monday no time for dreaming. B*tch you got bills to pay, you cannot afford dreams. You are lucky you have a job that pays, be grateful!”

This song is that rush, the crescendo and the calm… just for now let me sit on it! Until next time. I will be seeing you around, kid.

Left Unsaid..

I know this is a crappy picture I just wish the light was a better  for me to capture the pretty little Cottage with a Yellow door….

Today I went over all my favorite Rod Stewart, Sting, Air Supply songs to kinda get the right one…..

Simply Red got the vote and the band was not even on the bloody list…

I guess what I am trying to say is….I have moments when I say or do the most irrational things, things that are ludicrous…(doesn’t add to my street cred now does it?)……and this is one of them…..

So Not Over You ~ Simply Red

There are Coincidences and then there are “The Coincidences”

(Care to Explain?)

I don’t think I can…..but I will try

“The emptiness when you were gone kept ringing in my head
Told myself I really had to move along now
Stop regretting all the things I left unsaid,”

Dont quote me on this, but I did not have to go half way around the world to find out….what I always knew….

Like a fingerprint the truth cannot be altered or erased…

“So I tore up your letters
Took your picture off my wall
I deleted your number, it was too hard not to call”

It is in the very fabric of existence……

I play it off by saying “It’s just a phase and will soon fade away” (And God knows I wish this was true)

“Felt a little better, told myself I’d be fine
Got to live for the good times up ahead,”

But you see it always catches up ……

All that resolution crumbles at a  sight or a sound….

Restraint falls to pieces over a stupid love song….

“All my friends try to tell me better find somebody new
Why waste time being lonely when there’s nothing left to lose’“

They said Time is a healer, but they weren’t wounds that needed healing…..

They were memories…..

“Anything to get you out of my mind
I’m a fool if I thought I could forget
And I could not forget”

Before you know it you are washed away by the flowing tide and you let yourself drown….

No signal fires, no safety nets…

For all the cautious tales, and the warnings bells….you left them behind….

When I think about it, rationale is not my problem……

It is easier to forget…..but let me tell you how difficult it is – to not remember….

“Cos everywhere I go
There’s a love song that reminds me of you
And even though I knew I had to be strong
I was still not over you
‘Cos I still believe and I could see how there’s nothing left of you and me
That time is over
‘Cos I’m so not over you”

Good Morning..

It’s half past 12…. I have a monstrous headache that is killing me…..

I cannot sleep….

The Way I Am ~ Ingrid Michaelson

I might be a whole lot of other things…but I am mostly   conflicted… 99% of the time..

“If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I’d find a match.
Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am”

When I think of time sometimes I feel like I am filling it in a little match box…..

The airy fairy talk….is so far from the truth…..

Loose ends…..or was it unfinished busines..

“If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I’ll make it better.
Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am”

Why are we always on wrong frequencies…. did you say what I thought I heard? or did I hear what you did not say?

I long to fly the white flag….

Tell you I am tired…..

Make peace with me….

Let me tell you all that I want you to someday forget….

Or am I disturbing your peace and sanity while losing mine?

“I’d buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.
Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.”

Sobriety of my thoughts will not cease until they have been let free to damage yours….

Forbid me to…..

Speak to me unkind once more so I will retreat maybe this time forever……

Don’t look through me as you always do……was I so cruel……

Do you spite the memory in spite of their insignificance…..

Why is complexity a mere simplicity when I am with you?

An Utopian Citizen..

I should have known,,,…I should have known that I couldn’t stay without writing….

Denial,,,, I know I don’t make sense half the time…..and miss the point the other half…..

Wish You Were Here ~ Kate Voegele

I just realized that no matter where you are at in your life the temptation to stay away from your past or look back on what could have been is too much…….

“Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am a utopian citizen
Still convinced
There’s no such thing as idealism”

You need it as much to grow and grow out of it…..

Like breathing…….you don’t have to remind yourself….it just happens naturally…..

You slip in and out of it as if it was your second nature to contemplate on the past…….

It is a f**ked up theory I know…….but its true……

Why are we soo fixated? So stuck in the past that we console ourselves with the thoughts of the future not realizing the future was today!….It was today just like yesterday and just like tomorrow…….it was here…..

“Memories they’re following me like a shadow now
And I’m dreamin’
And I’ve already suffered the fever of disbelief”

The most frustrating part of it all……you spend your last 5-10 years looking back,…..unaware of the time that keeps passing by….which is a worry because sure as hell I don’t want to be here for the next five………

You know all the crap about dreaming……and living the dream……well forget it,…..you might try living life for a change,,,,,

“I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn’t soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I’m mesmerized by the picture that’s in my mind”

Where is the solution? what is the solution?I need to fix this desperately ….

When did life become soo saturated with all this s**t from the past?

I feel the world is closing all its door to me…..because I was too busy opening all these windows to a past……

“Tell me when I’ll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
‘Cause I don’t want to keep on believin’ in illusions”

Am I  living a double life?……wanting to belive in the a future filled with all the hope and the glory it brings along…… and at the same time butchering all the slightest possibilities of realizing  the truth of this reality ….

Am I the only one who has this all wrong?

“Sometimes I can’t explain
And I’m so sorry that I can’t
I’ll try to concentrate
On your true identity”

As I toss and turn in the darkness……disgusted by my inability to take on life….like taking a bull by its horns (Ah the cliché…)……I have never felt so hopelessly weak and lost……

What have I done?

Will I always chase after the perfect ending?

What am I talking about? there never will be an ending to this story……. there never was a beginning…….

It was all in my head…….I had it all in my head…..oh what have I done?

“I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were

Don’t get me wrong I never once regretted it……

And I know for a fact that I never will….

It aint hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were”

I wish you were here…

And I wish I was here………

Living  today……..

Eyes of a Passerby…

I would like this to be volume 1 in the Someday series……

No particular order….

Someday ~Sugar Ray

Ok it is because of Mark McGrath…..he reminds me of someone I used to know…..

Not Really……

Well Ok…….maybe…..

Well no but yes……… but thats not the point…….

The point is the Mind- F*”* of lyrics,,,,,,

Some say.....
Some Say....

“Some say
Better things will come my way
No matter what they try to say you were always there for me”

Things I will never say……

Things you will never know…..

“Somewhere
When the sun begins to shine
I hear a song from another time
And they’ll fade away”

Like “I am Sorry”

Like “It was me”

Like “I gave up”

Like “I know you do”

“Someone said you tried too long,

Someone said we got it all wrong,

Someone said we tried too long”

Things you will never know….. are the things I’ll carry to the grave…..