Love – Missing Soundtrack

House of boxes

To Build A Home ~ The Cinematic Orchestra, Patrick Watson

I have felt a lot of things in my life, confidence was my least favourite feeling! I still don’t like it , I don’t feel good about it. Hate feeling confident in the fear that I might one day become overconfident and then people may finally see through me , this scared little fake ass suffering from imposter syndrome. Why not just keep quiet? “Don’t speak up! Why do people need to know what you think? What makes you think they care? Sit down lady and let the man or woman speak! Your idea is mediocre. Stop you are just speaking nonsense now! Why waste time with your thoughts? Move on you ain’t got this! This is way out of your lane! Stay in your lane for Pete sakes. You have nothing nothing to offer….” [now that’s just a small snippet of what goes through my head in a matter of few seconds] Fun-noe?”

I have boxes at the bottom of my bed with little art projects started and not finished. I have little books with little writings in them. Cut outs of interesting patterns! Raging Fires of creativity sloppily tucked away. Out of nowhere come these waves of inspirations where I get swept away , build a castle in the air and crash it with a good dose of reality. “Hush now, quiet! I need to go to work on Monday no time for dreaming. B*tch you got bills to pay, you cannot afford dreams. You are lucky you have a job that pays, be grateful!”

This song is that rush, the crescendo and the calm… just for now let me sit on it! Until next time. I will be seeing you around, kid.

Staring

Skinny Love – Bon Iver

I used to loathe this song, I still kind of do. I don’t know what he is saying or what skinny love means. I could look it up but to be honest I don’t really care.

I stood waiting for a cab today and this song played and I really did not mind it.

Today I understood what the idiom “took the wind out of my sails” actually feels like- literally.

It’s the knowing ….. realising more like from the deepest part of you brain or heart (depending where you think or act from) – a simple thought , “wow, I will never be good enough will I?”

It’s powerful and devastating at the same time.

Knowing you will never fly high enough without being shot down at every flight.

Knowing that the ticket to somewhere led you nowhere.

Knowing you will never ever be able to laugh your heart out.

Knowing this is you – scarred and never complete.

Knowing you are just another number.

Knowing you are going to be as insignificant as the grain of sand in the vastness that exists.

Knowing you will never ever fall in love again with the same intensity as you did when you were young.

Knowing you will exist and tomorrow will come with more tiny heartbreaks and knocks that will become the new norm….

Knowing you can no longer give…..

Knowing you will never ever be – good enough….

Knowing , just knowing…

Would you let me. .

Beneath your beautiful ~ Labrinth & Emeli Sande

Paris- Nov, 12

It’s a cliche and it is Paris after all- what do you expect?

Smelly metro…… you wrinkle your nose and say how it is all better in London. (Course it is Hun!)…… we spend half an hour trying to figure out the silly ticket machines in french! (Remind me did you not take lessons? oh no we know what you did with the french lessons….. what? I am kidding!!)

Oh wait!!! They drive on the wrong side of the road…… you and I nearly get killed by a bus hardly an hour getting to the city…..

You stop me from getting killed and killing a cyclist twice within the next 20mins (lets not forget my non- existent road sense gave you an opportunity to give me a loud lecture for the next 10 odd mins- My hero!)

Just had to do the walking hand in hand….. stop at random stores…. stare at strangers.

I stare at you….. at the coffee shop – its almost midnight and we are arguing randomly over why we wouldn’t move to every new city we visit because I happen to fall in love with every single one of them. The man with bunch of roses stops by (cliche!) and you buy one and ask him to give it to me (Of course giving me the rose yourself would be a – cliche!).

You hate the art scene- I love the buzz …… ‘Not my kinda city’, you say. We cross the bridge as I buy a stupid lock to write our names on it, you are complaining while I fix the lock ….. you wouldn’t want anyone to know of this, you warn me. I laugh and I throw the spare key in the river.

A few oysters and a few wriggly insects after…….. we reach the Eiffel to see it lit……

Its freezing and you remind me for the umpteenth time ‘that you told me to get my coat -and how I never listen to you!!!’

The lights come on and its all magical (Cliche?)…….

Of course the next day- I wouldn’t miss Shakespeare and Co for the world (check Before Sunset for context), you are good at navigation (we know that!) and we finally arrive- you let me have my moment. You feel out of place with the musty old books……… I hurry up and pick the ‘Little Prince’ as a souvenir…

On the train back – I think to myself ‘now wasn’t that a romantic trip’? – I hear you murmur something about being hungry….. and I smile to myself ‘Damn right it was, I fell in love all over again!’ (Of course with Paris…..Nah!! with you sunshine!)

‘Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?’

Coming Home….

So what do you call a girl who got all that she wished for?

Honestly, I don’t know.

Dancing on my own ~ Pixie Lott Ft. GD & T.O.P

Since I am no longer dancing on my own, can I just say “Touch Wood, Life is good!”.

Let me mark this timeline as the best it’s ever been and the best it will ever be.

The best 10,000ft leap of faith ever, worth every scream and every skipped heartbeat.

Cut the cheese and slash the gooey, gushy, mush.

He says he “kept it real“

I say he kept it him.

So what if we don’t play Love songs on the radio.

So what if we threw the keys away along with caution.

We are still falling. 🙂

Play one more song…

We’re Undone…

I am not a martyr…

I have never walked the line nor dodged a bullet…..

But today I feel like a tragic flaw…

Not because of my inability to write or communicate…

It is because of my selfish need to destroy whats left of innocence…

We Belong Together ~ Gavin DeGraw

I know someone who lost his wife to cancer……

Everytime I heard him speak of his late wife…I saw a spark…. A reverence in his eyes….Like she never left him…….and Their’s was a story that generations would come to hear and it would still evoke the same sense of magic and hope as it did for me in this cold twisted world….

“The hammer may strike, be dead on the ground
A nail to my hand, a cross on his crown
We’re done if we’re undone
Finished if we are incomplete
As one we are everything
We are everything we need“

Every great story has a “Happy Ending”……what makes them great is not the Happily ever after…..it is the start and the middle bit that most of us in our own lives forget to enjoy….

“What good is a life, with no one to share
The light of the moon, the honor of a swear
We can try to live the way of which you speak”

I have an apology to write……a long one….an apology for my lost innocence,

An apology for the promise I never did keep…

But this darkness does not have all the answers…

“We belong together
Like the open seas and shores
Wedded by the planet force
We’ve both been spoken for”

I am not a martyr…..

I did not dodge any bullets…..

I turned my back on that one true thing I swore I would protect….now what does that make me?

“All this indecision
All this independent strength
Still, we’ve got our hearts on save
We’ve got our hearts on save”

They say “Just because a song is going to end, there is no reason not to love it”

But why do I feel I was the one who destroyed the tape?

“Someday when you’re lonely
Sometime after all this bliss
Somewhere lost in emptiness
I hope you find this gift… “

Turning Inside Out..

I sat at a clinic today and while speaking to an older lady, I asked her if the assessment was a long process as I had to get back to work and she very kindly replied that she has been here before and we could be there for a good hour or two. In turn she asked me if I had a “Heart Machine” ? (I guess that’s what you young folks call it these days huh?) , I sort of gathered she must be speaking about a pace maker, I smiled and said “No, mam I don’t”, I smiled at the irony of the situation……Bless her…..For the reminder of the time I sat there loving the idea of a Heart Machine…….How awesome does that sound? I sat there smiling like a fool, “Oh I would love some heart machine if you please”…….

Why~ Annie Lennox

Yes I would like a heart machine……coz the human one I got kinda sucks in making efficient decisions…..wouldnt it be lovely to have decisions made for you? Your heart machine could potentially be programmed to make the most logical choices instead of ruining the reputation of you brain by influencing it otherwise….

“I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you’re thinking”

I am soo funny aren’t I? (No wait you aren’t supposed to answer that….The question was rhetorical)

Hmm,

Shucks I just lost my flow of thoughts….(told you I was funny….atleast funny enough to distract myself)

Mental block? (Plunge it! Ha ha ha)

“This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I’ll never tread
These are the dreams I’ll dream instead
This is the joy that’s seldom spread”

Alright the randomness needs to go……

What the hell am I writing? (I don’t know, but who cares?)

Maybe one day I will have a funny story to say…but for now we will have to work with the substitutes of funny….

“This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head”

I make the most coldest jokes when I am nervous (kinda like what I am doing right now? Don’t answer that!…oh no go ahead answer that)…the kind that never makes people laugh but never fails to make them go “What the….is she on?”

“And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel ?
’cause I don’t think you know how I feel
I don’t think you know what I feel
I don’t think you know what I feel
You don’t know what I feel “

Of Your Peace..

Prayer of St. Francis ~ Sarah McLachlan

I read a statement the other day that said ‘Christianity is not for Loners’…. and I was a bit disappointed, it took me awhile to understand the statement…. but I wondered who made that statement….after much thought I arrived to the conclusion that surely it was not made by a man/ woman who has seen or suffered solitude ……

“Lord make me an instrument of your peace”

Surely it was not said by a prisoner who spends his time praying for forgiveness and mercy……

“Where there is hatred let me sow love”

Surely those words were not spoken by a single mother who asks for strength and grace everyday….

“Where there is injury- pardon”

It could not have been the errant son who repents his erring ways…..

“Where there is doubt- faith”

What about a poor man struggling with a burden of his debts and a family? does he get rejected from following a communal faith?

“Where there is despair-hope”

What is to give hope to a dying man if not for the solace of eternal life?

“Where there is darkness- light”

Not all of us who are lost, are lost because we want to……we are lost because we had no place to go…….but we find sanctuary with the man who is our Shepherd….

“And where there is sadness- joy”

It is reassuring to know that the Shepherd knows his sheep better than the sheep themselves…..

“O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;”

It was encouraging to hear today…..that he tought us how to pray…..he tought us how to ask….he tought us to call him “Our Father”

“to be understood as to understand;”

Faith however cannot be tought but has to be found….

“To be loved as to love”

He did not create religious jargon, Man did…..his message was simple enough….he said “Love one another as I have loved you”

“For it is in giving that we receive”

Society creates Loners…..Man creates outcasts…..

“it is in pardoning that we are pardoned”

We are what he made us, whether we are flawed to perfection or perfectly flawed …..he never did reject us……

So who is (less than perfect) man to say Christianity is not for loners?

“And it’s in dying that we are born to eternal life.”
Amen.

Complicated…

Entangled don’t you think?

That is the colour of the sky when it is about to rain…

Kinda like the state of mind right now, don’t you think?

Yes were all bloody emo today and speak to me if you have a problem with that….(That’s what I thought)

For You~ Yim Jae Bum [ 너를 위해 – 임재범]

You know the feeling when your hearts been all ripped out and you feel like the pain is good enough to kill you….

Listening to this song is just as painful……

Why would we want to listen to something like that you ask?

Well because I consider myself one of those sadistic fools who finds pleasure in ripping the skin out of a healing wound…

Because I am lovely like that…..

This man’s voice is raw and aching enough to make me cry…(and that my friend is no bloody exaggeration)

He sings…..“Maybe we are people tangled in a complicated relationship”

Arent we all?…… don’t we all go out and find the worst fit…. that feels right …..but nearly kills us?

“Everyday I am debted to you”…..debts

That darn hope….that same ridiculously foolish hope…..that made us belive in the first place….that darn hope that whispered “It is going to be ok” ………that same hope that told you the 100ft plunge you were about to take is anything but fatal….

“Debts that are too much for me to pay back”

Am I debted to you because you loved me the most? or am I debted to you because I know that no one else can or ever will?

“Sometimes like a couple”

How strange does that sound? A couple…..

But how right does it feel?

“Sometimes like strangers”

Years go by…..and it feels just like yesterday….

“Can we keep on living like this?”

Yet…..we do….

“Despite countless mistakes and separations”

Yes the countless mistakes…….those countless mistakes…..

“You are still there”

Like an oak tree that stands tall……like an urban legend that has always been heard of……but never seen…..

“I know that you are the only person, who can help me live properly in this world”

Because you right my wrongs and I, yours….

“I, in order to live without regrets should keep you by my side”

Yes I need you close if I don’t want regret in my life…….

“My rough mind and unstable expressions”

But we are like fire and moth,

“And you watching it, That is a love like war”

We will destroy what we build….break what we so painfully fix….

“Because I am dangerous, Because I love you”

Because we destroy…..

Because we destroy everything and everyone around us…..

And because we cannot stop until we have destroyed each other….

“I will leave “

and again today I close shut this story with the familiar tragic end……until next time……

Pretend,

Be Be Your Love~ Rachael Yamagata

This song is intoxicating, if you haven’t heard it yet here is a tip YouTube it pronto….

“If I could take you away….”

Someone once told me….pick your battles….

Pick the battles that are worth fighting for….

Don’t stress about the whats, whens and the whys….

“Pretend I was queen”

How am I to know?

How will I know when I should give up and when should I go on fighting? ….fighting for what I believe in…

“What would you say
Would you think I’m unreal?”

What if I don’t want to know the truth?

“‘Cause everybody’s got their way I should feel”

What if I am the one who cannot handle the truth….

Worse, what if I have always known the truth…

The only truth…

“Everybody’s talking how I, can’t, can’t be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real”

Young Again…

Love Song ~ 311

I know people like the Cure version best….

But Moi goes for the feel of the song

Wow what a downpour today..

I’ll live to see the monsoons hit this side of the world (I wish!)

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again”

I remember..

I have this strange twisted need to imagine myself in the hospital

Doesn’t really make sense because I hate hospitals…

Just the smell and sight of them makes me nauseous

And lets just day the doctors and nurses will never be my peeps…(No offense Doc!)

Jokes apart

It could be that I spent a lot of time in hospitals in my younger days, more than my share really..

I watched my 2 of grandparents fight their last battles there..

And even though my parents do mention in passing about my brief stint there as an infant…. I don’t ever remember being in one…not that I would like to dissect that further…

There is something about hospitals and train stations that make feel like they reek of death..

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again”

The worst part of it all…I always Imagine myself in the hospital….

Like thinking what should I say to my family…

If I will ever get flowers delivered….

How many get well cards I will get..(given my reputation for being the most popular person{Sarcastic Watson, I am being Sarcastic} this is a real worry…)

I like to imagine who I would want to hold my hand before I die…

Even though I flinch at the thought of it all…that doesn’t stop me from imagining stuff like this…

But there is something about hospitals that I cannot get my head around…

It feels like me, the hospitals and the train stations will never make our peace..

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again”

What a depressing thought to start of with…totally not what I came here to write about..

Anyways before I digress and suck the life out of a beautiful day like a dementor..

The day is beautiful….just the way I like it…

Cool breeze, pregnant clouds looming around, the swinging trees….

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again”

Only the other day my aunt asked me the if I was scared..

Actually lot of people these days ask me if I am scared…

I know I give them the “I cannot afford to” shrug….

Honestly I haven’t given it a thought as yet…

I don’t know should I be scared?

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again”

I don’t know, it’s just not my style to be…

Maybe I am missing the point…

The world knows something that I don’t..

I know I am absolutely loco to think like I do, psychotic as my friends say….but those are just stuff that pop up in this silly head of mine…

But I got to say, the world around me has sobered up a bit..

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again”

Well anyway what shall be will be….

Where were we going with the song?

Oh I remember..

I like it….(A lot!)

It is almost perfect…in my humble opinion..

I have to run a bath….need to mull things over…

And here is me hoping to never see myself in a hospital,

Why you may ask?

Well other than the 99 other reasons I just gave….

I must say the top reason will always be that the Hospital gowns are just not my style….

“However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you”