Tag: Death

Getting through…

You ~ Switchfoot

I learned something today….

I learned that when the going gets tough…..I run to my Dad…..

I realised that no matter how tough I act or how ridiculously smug I am….. I need my father to hold my hand when the world rears its ugly head at me…..

I remember calling my Dad who lives 7,000 miles away and crying about my leaking roof foolishly……. thinking that he can fix it……wanting to believe he can fix it…for me…..

Today is just one of those days……

I was on my way to lunch…….I saw the elderly couple I see at the church every sunday…..they were walking from the local surgery……

I lit up, cause it had been awhile since I last saw them…..I was happy to see them…..

I enquired if all was well as I did not see them at church for couple of weeks, she shook her head…and my heart dropped….she held my hand and she shook her head…..I saw it in her eyes………and my throat started to close up…..like unknown hands had gripped it and it hurt like hell……She looked deep into my eyes desperately……holding my hands tighter…..she said “He has dementia”, I wanted to scream……like I was in pain……I thought I would explode…she repeated those words…..and all I could hear was white noise…… I don’t know why she looked at me like that..but it tore my soul up…..I struggled with words….. clumsily I put my hand on her small shoulders and said “I will pray”…and “It will be ok”..I couldnt bear to look at her…… I wanted to pull away…..

I wanted to pull away and walk as quickly as I can…….because I did not know what to do…or say…….I wanted it to stop this pain inside……like someone stuffed a piece of cloth down my throat…….

I looked at him…….and he smiled at me……..I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me…..

I wanted someone to hold me tight……hold my breaking heart……and make the pain go away,.,,,,

I wanted to say something and the words failed me…….

I got back to work…..I called that one person who’s voice would make it ok…….. and numb my pain……

I called my Father…..

Incoherently I spoke  between sobs ……..I muttered I wasnt ok……I repeated what had just passed

I wanted to tell him instead that my world was crashing around me….and I wanted him to hold me…..and make it stop……make it all stop….

I don’t remember what he said…..I still don’t remember what he said……

Her voice still rings clearly in my head……I saw her pain and it was just too real for me to handle……I saw her tears ….and now I am haunted by it….

And I cannot stop it…….

I want the world to make sense…….

I want it to be ok…..

I want them to be ok…..

I want to go back to that moment and ask her “If there is something I can do?”,….I want to say all the things I could not say,,,

I want to hold them tight…..

I want it to go away like a bad dream…..

I want to remember them togeather…..Holding hands…..

Watching them at church I envied them together……I wanted to grow old like that…..

I don’t want this memory……

Try as I may it won’t leave me alone……

I want my father to say  “It will be ok”

Just this once….

I want him to fix it…….

“There’s always something in the way
There’s always something getting through”

Young Again…

Love Song ~ 311

I know people like the Cure version best….

But Moi goes for the feel of the song

Wow what a downpour today..

I’ll live to see the monsoons hit this side of the world (I wish!)

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again”

I remember..

I have this strange twisted need to imagine myself in the hospital

Doesn’t really make sense because I hate hospitals…

Just the smell and sight of them makes me nauseous

And lets just day the doctors and nurses will never be my peeps…(No offense Doc!)

Jokes apart

It could be that I spent a lot of time in hospitals in my younger days, more than my share really..

I watched my 2 of  grandparents fight their last battles there..

And even though my parents do mention in passing about my brief stint there as an infant…. I don’t ever remember  being in one…not that I would like to dissect that further…

There is something about hospitals and train stations that make feel like they reek of death..

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again”

The worst part of it all…I always Imagine myself in the hospital….

Like thinking what should I say to my family…

If I will ever get flowers delivered….

How many get well cards I will get..(given my reputation for being the most popular person{Sarcastic Watson, I am being Sarcastic} this is a real worry…)

I like to imagine who I would want to hold my hand before I die…

Even though I flinch at the thought of it all…that doesn’t stop me from imagining stuff like this…

But there is something about hospitals that I cannot get my head around…

It feels like me, the hospitals and the train stations will never make our peace..

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again”

What a depressing thought to start of with…totally not what I came here to write about..

Anyways before I digress and suck the life out of a beautiful day like a dementor..

The day is beautiful….just the way I like it…

Cool breeze, pregnant clouds looming around, the swinging trees….

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again”

Only the other day my aunt asked me the if I was scared..

Actually lot of people these days ask me if I am scared…

I know I give them the “I cannot afford to” shrug….

Honestly I haven’t given it a thought as yet…

I don’t know should I be scared?

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again”

I don’t know, it’s just not my style to be…

Maybe I am missing the point…

The world knows something that I don’t..

I know I am absolutely loco to think like I do, psychotic as my friends say….but those are just stuff that pop up in this silly head of mine…

But I got to say, the world around me has sobered up a bit..

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again”

Well anyway what shall be will be….

Where were we going with the song?

Oh I remember..

I like it….(A lot!)

It is almost perfect…in my humble opinion..

I have to run a bath….need to mull things over…

And here is me hoping to never see myself in a hospital,

Why you may ask?

Well other than the 99 other reasons I just gave….

I must say the top reason will always be that the Hospital gowns are just not my style….

“However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you”

Amazing Grace…

Bibo no Aozora~ Ryuichi Sakamoto

Been doing a bit of soul-searching lately…..stopping once in a while …. stepping out of my world…….and what I am looking at is not pretty……My reflections for the day book in the past couple of days talks about the cup of life……and how we got to hold it, lift it and eventually drink from it….. joy, sorrow, pain, laughter, hope, despair, highs and the lows, truth, lies, desires, disappointments, the works……… easier said than done…….I found out that I am not even ready to hold my cup yet…….let alone drink from it……I fail to acknowledge its existence…….The existence of something so profound,  at the core of my very faith and belief……..

The first time I saw Babel I think it unnerved me…..I was not moved by it, it frightened me insted……the truth in it was shocking…..Sakamoto’s piece in the end is heartbreaking and hopeful at the same time….Tokyo in the last scene is breath taking…..cinema at its finest indeed….

They say there is more to life than just this or that ….Honestly I havent got a clue how to go about it……however maybe getting my priorities right could be a hopeful start?