Tag: pain

Getting through…

You ~ Switchfoot

I learned something today….

I learned that when the going gets tough…..I run to my Dad…..

I realised that no matter how tough I act or how ridiculously smug I am….. I need my father to hold my hand when the world rears its ugly head at me…..

I remember calling my Dad who lives 7,000 miles away and crying about my leaking roof foolishly……. thinking that he can fix it……wanting to believe he can fix it…for me…..

Today is just one of those days……

I was on my way to lunch…….I saw the elderly couple I see at the church every sunday…..they were walking from the local surgery……

I lit up, cause it had been awhile since I last saw them…..I was happy to see them…..

I enquired if all was well as I did not see them at church for couple of weeks, she shook her head…and my heart dropped….she held my hand and she shook her head…..I saw it in her eyes………and my throat started to close up…..like unknown hands had gripped it and it hurt like hell……She looked deep into my eyes desperately……holding my hands tighter…..she said “He has dementia”, I wanted to scream……like I was in pain……I thought I would explode…she repeated those words…..and all I could hear was white noise…… I don’t know why she looked at me like that..but it tore my soul up…..I struggled with words….. clumsily I put my hand on her small shoulders and said “I will pray”…and “It will be ok”..I couldnt bear to look at her…… I wanted to pull away…..

I wanted to pull away and walk as quickly as I can…….because I did not know what to do…or say…….I wanted it to stop this pain inside……like someone stuffed a piece of cloth down my throat…….

I looked at him…….and he smiled at me……..I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me…..

I wanted someone to hold me tight……hold my breaking heart……and make the pain go away,.,,,,

I wanted to say something and the words failed me…….

I got back to work…..I called that one person who’s voice would make it ok…….. and numb my pain……

I called my Father…..

Incoherently I spoke  between sobs ……..I muttered I wasnt ok……I repeated what had just passed

I wanted to tell him instead that my world was crashing around me….and I wanted him to hold me…..and make it stop……make it all stop….

I don’t remember what he said…..I still don’t remember what he said……

Her voice still rings clearly in my head……I saw her pain and it was just too real for me to handle……I saw her tears ….and now I am haunted by it….

And I cannot stop it…….

I want the world to make sense…….

I want it to be ok…..

I want them to be ok…..

I want to go back to that moment and ask her “If there is something I can do?”,….I want to say all the things I could not say,,,

I want to hold them tight…..

I want it to go away like a bad dream…..

I want to remember them togeather…..Holding hands…..

Watching them at church I envied them together……I wanted to grow old like that…..

I don’t want this memory……

Try as I may it won’t leave me alone……

I want my father to say  “It will be ok”

Just this once….

I want him to fix it…….

“There’s always something in the way
There’s always something getting through”

That Life,

The clouds are heavy today, overshadowing the mood…..giving me a sense of tranquilty……With my easy listening playlist on……the perfect sunday continues…..I look  out my kitchen window…..eventhough it seems cold outside I feel okay….the gentle breeze swaying the trees……if only life stayed that way……light and breezy…

Light Years Away~ MoZella

This song  reminds me of telephone boxes for some strange reason….when I think about it, it is not  all that strange….

“It’s almost like you had it planned
It’s like you smiled and shook my hand and said
“Hey, I’m about to screw you over, big time”
And what was I supposed to do?
I was stuck in between you and a hard place
We won’t talk about the hard place”

I think about all the times I stood inside those stupid telephone boxes crying……never wanting to make that call again……..standing infront of all those payphones dialing away my misery…….whispering quietly “I will wait”…….hoping to recognise the voice on the other end…..

“It’s how you wanted it to be
It’s like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend
In the end
And I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I’m never going back
To who I was“

Strangers waiting behind me ……with that impatient look on their faces, their looks said…”Lady, you are wasting your coins and my time”……. how can they be so heartless? I think to myself……..I try and wipe away the last tear…….and I whisper again quietly “I will wait”……….it is the last coin…….I hate the last coin…….it always has to be the last coin……I drop it in……..the last 30 secs go by…….and before I can blink……the voice on the other line is gone……..

“But I don’t blame you anymore
That’s too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I’m not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life “

I havent stepped into a telephone box for years now…….I no longer use payphones……..I don’t remember that number my fingers memorised  ……no lose change to carry around thinking….just in case………

Meanwhile the sun shines shyly through the blinds on my window……….

“That life seems like light years away
Light years away
And that life seems like light years away
Light years away”

Amazing Grace…

Bibo no Aozora~ Ryuichi Sakamoto

Been doing a bit of soul-searching lately…..stopping once in a while …. stepping out of my world…….and what I am looking at is not pretty……My reflections for the day book in the past couple of days talks about the cup of life……and how we got to hold it, lift it and eventually drink from it….. joy, sorrow, pain, laughter, hope, despair, highs and the lows, truth, lies, desires, disappointments, the works……… easier said than done…….I found out that I am not even ready to hold my cup yet…….let alone drink from it……I fail to acknowledge its existence…….The existence of something so profound,  at the core of my very faith and belief……..

The first time I saw Babel I think it unnerved me…..I was not moved by it, it frightened me insted……the truth in it was shocking…..Sakamoto’s piece in the end is heartbreaking and hopeful at the same time….Tokyo in the last scene is breath taking…..cinema at its finest indeed….

They say there is more to life than just this or that ….Honestly I havent got a clue how to go about it……however maybe getting my priorities right could be a hopeful start?