Hope – Missing Soundtrack

Haunting me

Every time ~ Ethel Cain

Do you ever wish you had an hour of your life to just sit and have a conversation you never had? An hour to hold space for someone to tell their story. Tell that someone you see them in your dreams, that the dream feels so real that you could reach out and touch their face. Their eyes looking back at you like you were lost but two decades were nothing – you are back there on an imaginary bench wanting to finish a conversation that never started. To tell your side of the story, this piece of you that keeps coming back in various shapes of memories. I swear, someone is sitting there watching these two pieces pass by every single time like parallel pendulums, swinging back and forth never stopping in the middle for a minute. Do people really connect subconsciously? Sending morse code to each other’s brains?. Or is it just a story in your head that you tell yourself. What is the mess in your head that you want or feel the need to clean up? Like a borrowed book you forgot to return. You go insane just thinking what is happening to you, why the suppressed memories just bubble up inside you and before you know it they turn into waves crashing over you. You have lost hours by being in your head. It’s 1:00 am and you just want to have that one hour of your life for that one conversation you were never brave enough to have. In the age of where communication is instant, you write a paragraph hoping someone will trip over and find it. Are we allowed to feel these strong feelings for no rhyme or reason? Melancholy is a bi*tch!. Beautiful, broken and just as bad.

House of boxes

To Build A Home ~ The Cinematic Orchestra, Patrick Watson

I have felt a lot of things in my life, confidence was my least favourite feeling! I still don’t like it , I don’t feel good about it. Hate feeling confident in the fear that I might one day become overconfident and then people may finally see through me , this scared little fake ass suffering from imposter syndrome. Why not just keep quiet? “Don’t speak up! Why do people need to know what you think? What makes you think they care? Sit down lady and let the man or woman speak! Your idea is mediocre. Stop you are just speaking nonsense now! Why waste time with your thoughts? Move on you ain’t got this! This is way out of your lane! Stay in your lane for Pete sakes. You have nothing nothing to offer….” [now that’s just a small snippet of what goes through my head in a matter of few seconds] Fun-noe?”

I have boxes at the bottom of my bed with little art projects started and not finished. I have little books with little writings in them. Cut outs of interesting patterns! Raging Fires of creativity sloppily tucked away. Out of nowhere come these waves of inspirations where I get swept away , build a castle in the air and crash it with a good dose of reality. “Hush now, quiet! I need to go to work on Monday no time for dreaming. B*tch you got bills to pay, you cannot afford dreams. You are lucky you have a job that pays, be grateful!”

This song is that rush, the crescendo and the calm… just for now let me sit on it! Until next time. I will be seeing you around, kid.

An Army

Rescue ~ Lauren Daigle

Bear with me – this might take awhile..

Bear with me – this will only take a moment.

Bear with me – I just need to breathe..

Bear with me – stepping out for air…

Bear with me – this is harder than I thought..

Bear with me – it’s the middle of the night.

Bear with me – I just might have lost my way..

Bear with me – just need a moment to think

Bear with me – but who crossed the line…

Bear with me – this might sound childish.

Bear with me – haven’t got all the answers…

Bear with me – this is too real..

Bear with me- while I ask why?

Bear with me – I don’t see it….

Bear with me – while I find it…

Bear with me – it’s hard for me to say..

Bear with me – while I look the other way..

Bear with me – you might have forgotten..

Bear with me – while I try to remember ..

Bear with me – I am a little weary…

Bear with me – here is what I have to say…

Bear with me – what makes you think I care?

Getting through…

You ~ Switchfoot

I learned something today….

I learned that when the going gets tough…..I run to my Dad…..

I realised that no matter how tough I act or how ridiculously smug I am….. I need my father to hold my hand when the world rears its ugly head at me…..

I remember calling my Dad who lives 7,000 miles away and crying about my leaking roof foolishly……. thinking that he can fix it……wanting to believe he can fix it…for me…..

Today is just one of those days……

I was on my way to lunch…….I saw the elderly couple I see at the church every sunday…..they were walking from the local surgery……

I lit up, cause it had been awhile since I last saw them…..I was happy to see them…..

I enquired if all was well as I did not see them at church for couple of weeks, she shook her head…and my heart dropped….she held my hand and she shook her head…..I saw it in her eyes………and my throat started to close up…..like unknown hands had gripped it and it hurt like hell……She looked deep into my eyes desperately……holding my hands tighter…..she said “He has dementia”, I wanted to scream……like I was in pain……I thought I would explode…she repeated those words…..and all I could hear was white noise…… I don’t know why she looked at me like that..but it tore my soul up…..I struggled with words….. clumsily I put my hand on her small shoulders and said “I will pray”…and “It will be ok”..I couldnt bear to look at her…… I wanted to pull away…..

I wanted to pull away and walk as quickly as I can…….because I did not know what to do…or say…….I wanted it to stop this pain inside……like someone stuffed a piece of cloth down my throat…….

I looked at him…….and he smiled at me……..I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me…..

I wanted someone to hold me tight……hold my breaking heart……and make the pain go away,.,,,,

I wanted to say something and the words failed me…….

I got back to work…..I called that one person who’s voice would make it ok…….. and numb my pain……

I called my Father…..

Incoherently I spoke between sobs ……..I muttered I wasnt ok……I repeated what had just passed

I wanted to tell him instead that my world was crashing around me….and I wanted him to hold me…..and make it stop……make it all stop….

I don’t remember what he said…..I still don’t remember what he said……

Her voice still rings clearly in my head……I saw her pain and it was just too real for me to handle……I saw her tears ….and now I am haunted by it….

And I cannot stop it…….

I want the world to make sense…….

I want it to be ok…..

I want them to be ok…..

I want to go back to that moment and ask her “If there is something I can do?”,….I want to say all the things I could not say,,,

I want to hold them tight…..

I want it to go away like a bad dream…..

I want to remember them togeather…..Holding hands…..

Watching them at church I envied them together……I wanted to grow old like that…..

I don’t want this memory……

Try as I may it won’t leave me alone……

I want my father to say “It will be ok”

Just this once….

I want him to fix it…….

“There’s always something in the way
There’s always something getting through”

We’re Undone…

I am not a martyr…

I have never walked the line nor dodged a bullet…..

But today I feel like a tragic flaw…

Not because of my inability to write or communicate…

It is because of my selfish need to destroy whats left of innocence…

We Belong Together ~ Gavin DeGraw

I know someone who lost his wife to cancer……

Everytime I heard him speak of his late wife…I saw a spark…. A reverence in his eyes….Like she never left him…….and Their’s was a story that generations would come to hear and it would still evoke the same sense of magic and hope as it did for me in this cold twisted world….

“The hammer may strike, be dead on the ground
A nail to my hand, a cross on his crown
We’re done if we’re undone
Finished if we are incomplete
As one we are everything
We are everything we need“

Every great story has a “Happy Ending”……what makes them great is not the Happily ever after…..it is the start and the middle bit that most of us in our own lives forget to enjoy….

“What good is a life, with no one to share
The light of the moon, the honor of a swear
We can try to live the way of which you speak”

I have an apology to write……a long one….an apology for my lost innocence,

An apology for the promise I never did keep…

But this darkness does not have all the answers…

“We belong together
Like the open seas and shores
Wedded by the planet force
We’ve both been spoken for”

I am not a martyr…..

I did not dodge any bullets…..

I turned my back on that one true thing I swore I would protect….now what does that make me?

“All this indecision
All this independent strength
Still, we’ve got our hearts on save
We’ve got our hearts on save”

They say “Just because a song is going to end, there is no reason not to love it”

But why do I feel I was the one who destroyed the tape?

“Someday when you’re lonely
Sometime after all this bliss
Somewhere lost in emptiness
I hope you find this gift… “

Left Unsaid..

I know this is a crappy picture I just wish the light was a better for me to capture the pretty little Cottage with a Yellow door….

Today I went over all my favorite Rod Stewart, Sting, Air Supply songs to kinda get the right one…..

Simply Red got the vote and the band was not even on the bloody list…

I guess what I am trying to say is….I have moments when I say or do the most irrational things, things that are ludicrous…(doesn’t add to my street cred now does it?)……and this is one of them…..

So Not Over You ~ Simply Red

There are Coincidences and then there are “The Coincidences”

(Care to Explain?)

I don’t think I can…..but I will try

“The emptiness when you were gone kept ringing in my head
Told myself I really had to move along now
Stop regretting all the things I left unsaid,”

Dont quote me on this, but I did not have to go half way around the world to find out….what I always knew….

Like a fingerprint the truth cannot be altered or erased…

“So I tore up your letters
Took your picture off my wall
I deleted your number, it was too hard not to call”

It is in the very fabric of existence……

I play it off by saying “It’s just a phase and will soon fade away” (And God knows I wish this was true)

“Felt a little better, told myself I’d be fine
Got to live for the good times up ahead,”

But you see it always catches up ……

All that resolution crumbles at a sight or a sound….

Restraint falls to pieces over a stupid love song….

“All my friends try to tell me better find somebody new
Why waste time being lonely when there’s nothing left to lose’“

They said Time is a healer, but they weren’t wounds that needed healing…..

They were memories…..

“Anything to get you out of my mind
I’m a fool if I thought I could forget
And I could not forget”

Before you know it you are washed away by the flowing tide and you let yourself drown….

No signal fires, no safety nets…

For all the cautious tales, and the warnings bells….you left them behind….

When I think about it, rationale is not my problem……

It is easier to forget…..but let me tell you how difficult it is – to not remember….

“Cos everywhere I go
There’s a love song that reminds me of you
And even though I knew I had to be strong
I was still not over you
‘Cos I still believe and I could see how there’s nothing left of you and me
That time is over
‘Cos I’m so not over you”

Of Your Peace..

Prayer of St. Francis ~ Sarah McLachlan

I read a statement the other day that said ‘Christianity is not for Loners’…. and I was a bit disappointed, it took me awhile to understand the statement…. but I wondered who made that statement….after much thought I arrived to the conclusion that surely it was not made by a man/ woman who has seen or suffered solitude ……

“Lord make me an instrument of your peace”

Surely it was not said by a prisoner who spends his time praying for forgiveness and mercy……

“Where there is hatred let me sow love”

Surely those words were not spoken by a single mother who asks for strength and grace everyday….

“Where there is injury- pardon”

It could not have been the errant son who repents his erring ways…..

“Where there is doubt- faith”

What about a poor man struggling with a burden of his debts and a family? does he get rejected from following a communal faith?

“Where there is despair-hope”

What is to give hope to a dying man if not for the solace of eternal life?

“Where there is darkness- light”

Not all of us who are lost, are lost because we want to……we are lost because we had no place to go…….but we find sanctuary with the man who is our Shepherd….

“And where there is sadness- joy”

It is reassuring to know that the Shepherd knows his sheep better than the sheep themselves…..

“O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;”

It was encouraging to hear today…..that he tought us how to pray…..he tought us how to ask….he tought us to call him “Our Father”

“to be understood as to understand;”

Faith however cannot be tought but has to be found….

“To be loved as to love”

He did not create religious jargon, Man did…..his message was simple enough….he said “Love one another as I have loved you”

“For it is in giving that we receive”

Society creates Loners…..Man creates outcasts…..

“it is in pardoning that we are pardoned”

We are what he made us, whether we are flawed to perfection or perfectly flawed …..he never did reject us……

So who is (less than perfect) man to say Christianity is not for loners?

“And it’s in dying that we are born to eternal life.”
Amen.

Good Morning..

It’s half past 12…. I have a monstrous headache that is killing me…..

I cannot sleep….

The Way I Am ~ Ingrid Michaelson

I might be a whole lot of other things…but I am mostly conflicted… 99% of the time..

“If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I’d find a match.
Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am”

When I think of time sometimes I feel like I am filling it in a little match box…..

The airy fairy talk….is so far from the truth…..

Loose ends…..or was it unfinished busines..

“If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I’ll make it better.
Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am”

Why are we always on wrong frequencies…. did you say what I thought I heard? or did I hear what you did not say?

I long to fly the white flag….

Tell you I am tired…..

Make peace with me….

Let me tell you all that I want you to someday forget….

Or am I disturbing your peace and sanity while losing mine?

“I’d buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.
Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.”

Sobriety of my thoughts will not cease until they have been let free to damage yours….

Forbid me to…..

Speak to me unkind once more so I will retreat maybe this time forever……

Don’t look through me as you always do……was I so cruel……

Do you spite the memory in spite of their insignificance…..

Why is complexity a mere simplicity when I am with you?

Complicated…

Entangled don’t you think?

That is the colour of the sky when it is about to rain…

Kinda like the state of mind right now, don’t you think?

Yes were all bloody emo today and speak to me if you have a problem with that….(That’s what I thought)

For You~ Yim Jae Bum [ 너를 위해 – 임재범]

You know the feeling when your hearts been all ripped out and you feel like the pain is good enough to kill you….

Listening to this song is just as painful……

Why would we want to listen to something like that you ask?

Well because I consider myself one of those sadistic fools who finds pleasure in ripping the skin out of a healing wound…

Because I am lovely like that…..

This man’s voice is raw and aching enough to make me cry…(and that my friend is no bloody exaggeration)

He sings…..“Maybe we are people tangled in a complicated relationship”

Arent we all?…… don’t we all go out and find the worst fit…. that feels right …..but nearly kills us?

“Everyday I am debted to you”…..debts

That darn hope….that same ridiculously foolish hope…..that made us belive in the first place….that darn hope that whispered “It is going to be ok” ………that same hope that told you the 100ft plunge you were about to take is anything but fatal….

“Debts that are too much for me to pay back”

Am I debted to you because you loved me the most? or am I debted to you because I know that no one else can or ever will?

“Sometimes like a couple”

How strange does that sound? A couple…..

But how right does it feel?

“Sometimes like strangers”

Years go by…..and it feels just like yesterday….

“Can we keep on living like this?”

Yet…..we do….

“Despite countless mistakes and separations”

Yes the countless mistakes…….those countless mistakes…..

“You are still there”

Like an oak tree that stands tall……like an urban legend that has always been heard of……but never seen…..

“I know that you are the only person, who can help me live properly in this world”

Because you right my wrongs and I, yours….

“I, in order to live without regrets should keep you by my side”

Yes I need you close if I don’t want regret in my life…….

“My rough mind and unstable expressions”

But we are like fire and moth,

“And you watching it, That is a love like war”

We will destroy what we build….break what we so painfully fix….

“Because I am dangerous, Because I love you”

Because we destroy…..

Because we destroy everything and everyone around us…..

And because we cannot stop until we have destroyed each other….

“I will leave “

and again today I close shut this story with the familiar tragic end……until next time……

Young Again…

Love Song ~ 311

I know people like the Cure version best….

But Moi goes for the feel of the song

Wow what a downpour today..

I’ll live to see the monsoons hit this side of the world (I wish!)

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again”

I remember..

I have this strange twisted need to imagine myself in the hospital

Doesn’t really make sense because I hate hospitals…

Just the smell and sight of them makes me nauseous

And lets just day the doctors and nurses will never be my peeps…(No offense Doc!)

Jokes apart

It could be that I spent a lot of time in hospitals in my younger days, more than my share really..

I watched my 2 of grandparents fight their last battles there..

And even though my parents do mention in passing about my brief stint there as an infant…. I don’t ever remember being in one…not that I would like to dissect that further…

There is something about hospitals and train stations that make feel like they reek of death..

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again”

The worst part of it all…I always Imagine myself in the hospital….

Like thinking what should I say to my family…

If I will ever get flowers delivered….

How many get well cards I will get..(given my reputation for being the most popular person{Sarcastic Watson, I am being Sarcastic} this is a real worry…)

I like to imagine who I would want to hold my hand before I die…

Even though I flinch at the thought of it all…that doesn’t stop me from imagining stuff like this…

But there is something about hospitals that I cannot get my head around…

It feels like me, the hospitals and the train stations will never make our peace..

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again”

What a depressing thought to start of with…totally not what I came here to write about..

Anyways before I digress and suck the life out of a beautiful day like a dementor..

The day is beautiful….just the way I like it…

Cool breeze, pregnant clouds looming around, the swinging trees….

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again”

Only the other day my aunt asked me the if I was scared..

Actually lot of people these days ask me if I am scared…

I know I give them the “I cannot afford to” shrug….

Honestly I haven’t given it a thought as yet…

I don’t know should I be scared?

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again”

I don’t know, it’s just not my style to be…

Maybe I am missing the point…

The world knows something that I don’t..

I know I am absolutely loco to think like I do, psychotic as my friends say….but those are just stuff that pop up in this silly head of mine…

But I got to say, the world around me has sobered up a bit..

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again”

Well anyway what shall be will be….

Where were we going with the song?

Oh I remember..

I like it….(A lot!)

It is almost perfect…in my humble opinion..

I have to run a bath….need to mull things over…

And here is me hoping to never see myself in a hospital,

Why you may ask?

Well other than the 99 other reasons I just gave….

I must say the top reason will always be that the Hospital gowns are just not my style….

“However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you”