Tag: Past

Haunting me

Make Believe

Every time ~ Ethel Cain

Do you ever wish you had an hour of your life to just sit and have a conversation you never had? An hour to hold space for someone to tell their story. Tell that someone you see them in your dreams, that the dream feels so real that you could reach out and touch their face. Their eyes looking back at you like you were lost but two decades were nothing – you are back there on an imaginary bench wanting to finish a conversation that never started. To tell your side of the story, this piece of you that keeps coming back in various shapes of memories. I swear, someone is sitting there watching these two pieces pass by every single time like parallel pendulums, swinging back and forth never stopping in the middle for a minute. Do people really connect subconsciously? Sending morse code to each other’s brains?. Or is it just a story in your head that you tell yourself. What is the mess in your head that you want or feel the need to clean up? Like a borrowed book you forgot to return. You go insane just thinking what is happening to you, why the suppressed memories just bubble up inside you and before you know it they turn into waves crashing over you. You have lost hours by being in your head. It’s 1:00 am and you just want to have that one hour of your life for that one conversation you were never brave enough to have. In the age of where communication is instant, you write a paragraph hoping someone will trip over and find it. Are we allowed to feel these strong feelings for no rhyme or reason? Melancholy is a bi*tch!. Beautiful, broken and just as bad.

Broken Poetry..

Our Battles ~Maria Mena

Not tied down..

Insolence leaves me no choice…

contemptuous feelings fill my eyes half full…..

“Our battles are repetitious
if not broken poetry
and maybe that’s the attraction
that you’re as self-absorbed as me”

Fruitful unfaithfulness…. preach anything but the truth..

Gamble with your muses because this world offers you its untouched falses,,,

Fed is that beast within….

“You jumped to the conclusion
and landed on my chest Now how am I supposed to make you see.”

Artist may have their art, but thy sir made lying an art for all but the faithful,

Retribution in that defenseless soul……..now stripped of its innocence…..

Take all that you can to leave the barren just as defenseless…

“I’ll just write this down
with hopes that you’ll understand
I can no longer be disciplined by
the frustration of an insecure man”

Admire he who wears the same mask every night and every day…..he cannot be what he isn’t…and will pretend anything but to be….

Afraid of him thou shall be who speaks with the tongue of honey and yet wears the cloak of mischief and stalks the lonely street..

“And as I kiss your face you’ll know that
I can no longer apologize for
your former lover’s mistakes”

When did the unfaithful contend those who pretended all but to be?

Wounded are the forgotten….

Like those unmarked graves they will remain unremoved…

Forgotten and yet Forgiven..

Mourned and yet always blessed as they will be…

“My past is mine to keep
Who are you to question me…?
Perhaps someday you’ll learn
Too bad
it’s not our turn”

An Utopian Citizen..

I should have known,,,…I should have known that I couldn’t stay without writing….

Denial,,,, I know I don’t make sense half the time…..and miss the point the other half…..

Wish You Were Here ~ Kate Voegele

I just realized that no matter where you are at in your life the temptation to stay away from your past or look back on what could have been is too much…….

“Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am a utopian citizen
Still convinced
There’s no such thing as idealism”

You need it as much to grow and grow out of it…..

Like breathing…….you don’t have to remind yourself….it just happens naturally…..

You slip in and out of it as if it was your second nature to contemplate on the past…….

It is a f**ked up theory I know…….but its true……

Why are we soo fixated? So stuck in the past that we console ourselves with the thoughts of the future not realizing the future was today!….It was today just like yesterday and just like tomorrow…….it was here…..

“Memories they’re following me like a shadow now
And I’m dreamin’
And I’ve already suffered the fever of disbelief”

The most frustrating part of it all……you spend your last 5-10 years looking back,…..unaware of the time that keeps passing by….which is a worry because sure as hell I don’t want to be here for the next five………

You know all the crap about dreaming……and living the dream……well forget it,…..you might try living life for a change,,,,,

“I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn’t soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I’m mesmerized by the picture that’s in my mind”

Where is the solution? what is the solution?I need to fix this desperately ….

When did life become soo saturated with all this s**t from the past?

I feel the world is closing all its door to me…..because I was too busy opening all these windows to a past……

“Tell me when I’ll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
‘Cause I don’t want to keep on believin’ in illusions”

Am I  living a double life?……wanting to belive in the a future filled with all the hope and the glory it brings along…… and at the same time butchering all the slightest possibilities of realizing  the truth of this reality ….

Am I the only one who has this all wrong?

“Sometimes I can’t explain
And I’m so sorry that I can’t
I’ll try to concentrate
On your true identity”

As I toss and turn in the darkness……disgusted by my inability to take on life….like taking a bull by its horns (Ah the cliché…)……I have never felt so hopelessly weak and lost……

What have I done?

Will I always chase after the perfect ending?

What am I talking about? there never will be an ending to this story……. there never was a beginning…….

It was all in my head…….I had it all in my head…..oh what have I done?

“I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were

Don’t get me wrong I never once regretted it……

And I know for a fact that I never will….

It aint hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were”

I wish you were here…

And I wish I was here………

Living  today……..

That Life,

The clouds are heavy today, overshadowing the mood…..giving me a sense of tranquilty……With my easy listening playlist on……the perfect sunday continues…..I look  out my kitchen window…..eventhough it seems cold outside I feel okay….the gentle breeze swaying the trees……if only life stayed that way……light and breezy…

Light Years Away~ MoZella

This song  reminds me of telephone boxes for some strange reason….when I think about it, it is not  all that strange….

“It’s almost like you had it planned
It’s like you smiled and shook my hand and said
“Hey, I’m about to screw you over, big time”
And what was I supposed to do?
I was stuck in between you and a hard place
We won’t talk about the hard place”

I think about all the times I stood inside those stupid telephone boxes crying……never wanting to make that call again……..standing infront of all those payphones dialing away my misery…….whispering quietly “I will wait”…….hoping to recognise the voice on the other end…..

“It’s how you wanted it to be
It’s like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend
In the end
And I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I’m never going back
To who I was“

Strangers waiting behind me ……with that impatient look on their faces, their looks said…”Lady, you are wasting your coins and my time”……. how can they be so heartless? I think to myself……..I try and wipe away the last tear…….and I whisper again quietly “I will wait”……….it is the last coin…….I hate the last coin…….it always has to be the last coin……I drop it in……..the last 30 secs go by…….and before I can blink……the voice on the other line is gone……..

“But I don’t blame you anymore
That’s too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I’m not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life “

I havent stepped into a telephone box for years now…….I no longer use payphones……..I don’t remember that number my fingers memorised  ……no lose change to carry around thinking….just in case………

Meanwhile the sun shines shyly through the blinds on my window……….

“That life seems like light years away
Light years away
And that life seems like light years away
Light years away”

Ignorance….

I have lost touch with my mundane routine…..(can I say I have lost touch with reality? hmmm not just yet…)

Coming back feels good…..but it is a bit daunting as well……

It started to snow when I was just about to leave….and the flakes came down beautifully…. just like the ones you see in a snow globe

I wish I could have captured the moment to share….

Antique or just Unwanted?

Ever walked into an antique shop? I love it…… it has a mood about it….. all the things in there old, new, broken, stolen, lost, snatched….I feel have a little story of their own…… makes me wonder tho….why do people give these things away? jewellery…..tables….paintings

I am sure they meant something to someone at some point in time…….it always intrigues me……I have this obsession with the past and the things in the past….

anyways before I drift away again…..lets talk about music….

Lost – Anouk

Her voice literally makes my hair stand….in a good way or a bad way? I still can’t tell …..

I honestly do not know what she is singing about….but I have my own interpretation

This song symbolises a strange hopelessness…a  human incapacity to do something …. she sings about being lost in someone…… lost in the contradiction of character in that person……and her own love and hate towards those contradictions …..

“If the roses are meant to be red…..violets to be blue…….but why isn’t my heart meant for you?” with lines you’d would think can it get any more cheesy?…..

and then

“Lost in this world……I even get lost in this song “ and with those lines she conveys perfectly that emotion of despair…..

I guess the guy was a musician…..as she carries on about his music being irresistable and then she says “Your voice makes my skin crawl” It is left for the listener to decide whether she hates his voice or loves it…… contradiction? I do not know….

She asks “Mr.Inaccessible, will this ever change? one thing that remains the same…..you’re still a picture in a frame”….. I love the way she calls him inaccessible……  she wants something to change but she is convinced there is something that will remain the same..again contradiction…… Does picture in the frame signify a memory?

What should change? why should something remain the same…….

“Lost in this world ……I even get lost in this song” she says,  “Am I the only one?”

After writing this out I just realized how random this post is……I know this doesn’t make sense….but I love the fact it doesn’t…

I want to break away from this constant need I feel to “make sense all the time” to everyone…..and even though I envy people who can…. Sometimes a Little No Sense helps…..