Tag: Dream

Haunting me

Make Believe

Every time ~ Ethel Cain

Do you ever wish you had an hour of your life to just sit and have a conversation you never had? An hour to hold space for someone to tell their story. Tell that someone you see them in your dreams, that the dream feels so real that you could reach out and touch their face. Their eyes looking back at you like you were lost but two decades were nothing – you are back there on an imaginary bench wanting to finish a conversation that never started. To tell your side of the story, this piece of you that keeps coming back in various shapes of memories. I swear, someone is sitting there watching these two pieces pass by every single time like parallel pendulums, swinging back and forth never stopping in the middle for a minute. Do people really connect subconsciously? Sending morse code to each other’s brains?. Or is it just a story in your head that you tell yourself. What is the mess in your head that you want or feel the need to clean up? Like a borrowed book you forgot to return. You go insane just thinking what is happening to you, why the suppressed memories just bubble up inside you and before you know it they turn into waves crashing over you. You have lost hours by being in your head. It’s 1:00 am and you just want to have that one hour of your life for that one conversation you were never brave enough to have. In the age of where communication is instant, you write a paragraph hoping someone will trip over and find it. Are we allowed to feel these strong feelings for no rhyme or reason? Melancholy is a bi*tch!. Beautiful, broken and just as bad.

Would you let me. .

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Beneath your beautiful ~ Labrinth & Emeli Sande

Paris- Nov, 12

It’s a cliche and it is Paris after all- what do you expect?

Smelly metro…… you wrinkle your nose and say how it is all better in London. (Course it is Hun!)…… we spend half an hour trying to figure out the silly ticket machines in french! (Remind me did you not take lessons? oh no we know what you did with the french lessons….. what? I am kidding!!)

Oh wait!!! They drive on the wrong side of the road…… you and I nearly get killed by a bus hardly an hour getting to the city…..

You stop me from getting killed and killing a cyclist twice within the next 20mins (lets not forget my non- existent road sense gave you an opportunity to give me a loud lecture for the next 10 odd mins- My hero!)

Just had to do the walking hand in hand….. stop at random stores…. stare at strangers.

I stare at you….. at the coffee shop – its almost midnight and we are arguing randomly over why we wouldn’t move to every new city we visit because I happen to fall in love with every single one of them. The man with bunch of roses stops by (cliche!) and you buy one and ask him to give it to me (Of course giving me the rose yourself would be a – cliche!).

You hate the art scene- I love the buzz …… ‘Not my kinda city’,  you say.  We cross the bridge as I buy a stupid lock to write our names on it, you are complaining while I fix the lock ….. you wouldn’t want anyone to know of this, you warn me. I laugh and I throw the spare key in the river.

A few oysters and a few wriggly insects after…….. we reach the Eiffel to see it lit……

Its freezing and you remind me for the umpteenth time ‘that you told me to get my coat -and how I never listen to you!!!’

The lights come on and its all magical (Cliche?)…….

Of course the next day-  I wouldn’t miss Shakespeare and Co for the world (check Before Sunset for context), you are good at navigation (we know that!) and we finally arrive- you let me have my moment. You feel out of place with the musty old books……… I hurry up and pick the ‘Little Prince’ as a souvenir…

On the train back – I think to myself ‘now wasn’t that a romantic trip’? – I hear you murmur something about being hungry….. and I smile to myself ‘Damn right it was, I fell in love all over again!’ (Of course with Paris…..Nah!! with you sunshine!)

‘Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?’

It’s not so bad..

Toil and Trouble….

Thank you ~ Dido

Not the right song for how I am feeling today,,,,

But the right song to say we can always be hopeful….

I like Dido and she makes life easy for me…..well atleast the 3:46 mins while she is playing on my iPod.

I have a couple of drafts lying un-posted….

Just don’t feel like they convey anything at the moment…..

I am trying really hard to find the right words…..

Like they say let it come to you…..

Oh and it does……just like trouble….

Trouble, Trouble, Trouble…….like Ray whines…..

I have trouble and half a dozen of its army waiting outside my door …..

“My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window,
And I can’t see at all
And even if I could it’d all be grey
Put your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it’s not so bad
It’s not so bad”

I could describe with all my might with  the usual clichéd philosophical crap*….hmm like

How do you react when the very ground that you are standing upon gets jerked off? (Nobody’s fault…)

Are you a fool for taking things for granted? (course you are…)

One min you are living your dream…..the next moment life happens……

But that doesn’t make the blow any less painful……

“I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there’ll be hell today
I’m late for work again
And even if I’m there, they’ll all imply
That I might not last the day
And then you call me and it’s not so bad”

And I can play it off saying “C’est La Vie Baby” but the truth is I am just numb…..or maybe just plain dumb……

I could do much worse…..infact I know I could……

No mouths to feed….or kids to clothe….. I could say I have had it easy…..

I told a friend yesterday I really ought to see a shrink…..half jokingly …..

Am gonna let Dido finish my happily ever after dream sequence to an epic but tragic post……

“Push the door,I’m home at last
And I’m soaking through and through
Then you handed me a towel
And all I see is you
And even if my house falls down now
I wouldn’t have a clue
Because you’re near me”


Complicated Theories…

I dreamt of making that trip yesterday…….a trip to the street of dreams…….why do these memories resurface? and the songs replay?

Why do I have a picture in my note-book?

The picture of a someday……

Why are the words “Someday……you know what my fear is? that there will be no someday” written on it?

I Miss You Love ~ Maria Mena

Any day now...

“I’ve run out complicated theories
so now I’m taking back my words” I have made excuses …….and there is no excuse good enough……because it does not make sense……“Remind me why we decided this was for the best”…

It is not about wanting closure or solving a riddle…….I am just wondering when did that 2 second delay…..become permenent one……in that long distance conversation

“I know the distance is a factor but I stretch as often as I can” I gave in….and I gave up……. I wanted answers…….

“Don’t act like you don’t know me
It’s still me, I never changed” I did not intend the cold shoulder…..nor did I ever mean to not  forget…..

Am I a mere memory now of a someday? I am just turning the pages in a notebook……and I hesitate to find that picture……of a someday…….and I will never not forget the day the phone rang on the other end of the line…..why is that virtual walk etched in my head……

Rescue Boat…

It’s funny when you talk to people on the phone……people you have never met before………

How do you put a face to a name or a voice? Beats me…..

Can you say much about people just  by hearing their voice? I don’t know……..

Give Me Heart ~ Susie Suh

A Beautiful Voice and a Beautiful Song…… when I hear it….I always feel like there are feathers falling down all around…….in a slow but beautiful motion……..

Empty Streets
Empty Streets

“The water is rushing in
I feel it on my skin
Our boat is sinking now”

Ever feel like you are phony sometimes?…….Like you are trying hard to be someone you are not……..

Like you are always swimming against the wrong tide…….

Like you are on the right track……but on the wrong train……

“I wake up
I grab my things
As the waves keep
Rollin’ in”

I wake up everyday and ask myself……how will I get there? but I never can find the answer ……

Simply because…..I dont know where I wanna go…….

“I ask myself
“Oh what’s the point?”
“What’s the point of it all?”
“What’s the point?””

Honestly…..what is the point?……….when does it begin to stop? and when does it really start to begin?

“Time goes by so slow
When you’re waiting
For a rescue boat
The water’s getting cold”

One thing I do know is that there is not much I do know…..

“All I ever really wanted was to”

Close my eyes and hear the waves crash endlessly…….

“All I ever really wanted was to”

Feel the sand under my bare feet……

“All I ever really wanted was to”

Wake up,  not worrying about how I am going to get there…….because I am where I ought to be…..where I belong

“All I ever really wanted was to”………

“Dream”


Alterations….

“Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove”

– William Shakespeare (Sonnet 116)

Sidewalk


I have this memory of travelling with a friend of mine, back to our hometown on a bus, it was a good few years ago………. We exchanged our iPods for fun…….

But for the life of me I cannot remember the song which played on my friend’s iPod that day……

I used to be good in remembering little things like that……. but now I guess I am growing old and senile…

What I remember though, is the song I made my friend listen to on mine…..

23 ~ Jimmy Eat World

There was something about this song…… a self recognition….an identity…….something methophorical…… Yes back then I was 22 , soon to turn 23……

“No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me”

People always say how predictable I can be……no surprises……. anyone who knows me, pretty much could tell what would be my next move…… but somehow I very much doubt that…..

“I’m still driving away
And I’m sorry every day”

3 years on I have no regrets…… I feel no need to either justify or reconcile with the past…..

“I wont always love these selfish things
I wont always live not stopping”

At 22 I was, in my very own standards what I call reckless…… I always lived and was swayed by the moment……

“Amazing still it seems
I’ll be 23
I wont always love what I’ll never have
I wont always live in my regrets”

By 23 I had learned not to live by regrets…. I became cautious…..now I live to play by the rules….

But still there is this naivety left in me……..call me a sentimental fool……..I still look at the world through a pair of rose-tinted glasses…..

So yes I understand why people say I am predictable….. but am I? I agree I am not volatile anymore…. that I have the safe choice is the best choice strategy on basically everything…. from the food that  I eat to the clothes that I wear…..

“You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?”

The truth is I am not hoping for anything……. I am one of those people who live life from day to day……not being able to tell the difference between one day from the other….. Content with knowing all that I know, which is not much, trust me on that one.

“Holding on tight
Dont give away the end
The one thing that stays mine…”

But what I have is an idea, an idea of a dream…..my dream…..and I am not settling for anything less…

Just for this once…….I am not going to take the easy way out…..

just because it is easy……..

If I could….

Light

Coffee shops are the best to unwind…. even better to be inspired…..Watching people go by is a sport…. You have to love coffee to know, just how precious- unknown , tucked away in a corner coffee shops are…. and No, I don’t mean Starbucks or Cafe Nero or Costa when I say Coffee and Precious, they never will qualify…..and will never ever come close……

Smell of coffee…. A book……and Lounge Music…..Sweet dreams are made of these (well at least for me)

3 Doors Down is a huge deal for me…..They are The real deal as far as I am concerned…… and they are the first band I ever wanted to see live….My “Things to do before I turn 30” list….. includes attending 3 doors down concert… its sad because am going to be 25 and the chances of seeing them live is somewhat bleak at this stage…….

What can I say about their Music….well you have to hear it to know it…..

If I could be like that – 3 Doors Down

“He spends his nights in california…..watching the stars on the big screen……..then he lies awake and he wonders….why cant this be me?” chasing dreams….. sometimes impossible ones…Who’s to say some dreams are impossible?

“Cause in his life he’s filled with all these good intentions. He’s left a lot of things he’d rather not mention right now”

I have met more than my fair share of good people …… I knew a few who lost their way a few times , but deep down always had a good heart…… How far do we go to get what we want?

“If I could be like that
I’d give anything
Just to live one day
In those shoes.
If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?”

Are we ready to give anything?…..I guess we have to ask ourselves the question……

“all she wants is just a little piece of this dream, is that too much to ask? ” what is too much? what is the limit? who grants it?
“With a safe home, and a warm bed, on a quiet little street. All she wants is just that something to hold onto, that’s all she needs” want, need are 2 different things…..

“If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?”

What would you do if you had everything you ever asked for?….. what if we could step into a person’s shoe for a day? would we be wiser? would we be dissapointed?

We all want things or wish for things…. who is to say it is beyond our capabilities?  as kids we are always programmed to have realistic goals.. ….at work we are asked to set realistic targets…..

What is unrealistic then?