Soundtracks of my life – Missing Soundtrack

Main Character

Apocalypse ~ Cigarettes after sex

Funny how you sit behind in a taxi , with a bit of rain outside, looking outside the window and suddenly you feel like the main character of a movie.

Close your eyes and have a soundtrack to go with it…

I imagine wanting to be barefoot on the bedroom floor …. Dim lights around…. Record playing on the player …. Rain still pouring outside fogging the windows.

Growing older I feel – I am exactly where I need to be… maybe that is what being a mature adult means…. you grow out of fantasies and create a reality close enough to fantasy.

Maybe it doesn’t take much to be content… maybe you just need to grow up , accept that life has a way of working things out.

Things that mattered 20 years ago that felt like life and death then…. Are replaced by having a quiet life, where peace is not at a premium because you have learnt to shut down the noise.

Life is filled with Kodak moments and I think this one is mine. Reminding me to be grateful and to be okay with being the main character once in a while in my little life (and my own mind!).

Do you ever wish you had an hour of your life to just sit and have a conversation you never had? An hour to hold space for someone to tell their story. Tell that someone you see them in your dreams, that the dream feels so real that you could reach out and touch their face. Their eyes looking back at you like you were lost but two decades were nothing – you are back there on an imaginary bench wanting to finish a conversation that never started. To tell your side of the story, this piece of you that keeps coming back in various shapes of memories. I swear, someone is sitting there watching these two pieces pass by every single time like parallel pendulums, swinging back and forth never stopping in the middle for a minute. Do people really connect subconsciously? Sending morse code to each other’s brains?. Or is it just a story in your head that you tell yourself. What is the mess in your head that you want or feel the need to clean up? Like a borrowed book you forgot to return. You go insane just thinking what is happening to you, why the suppressed memories just bubble up inside you and before you know it they turn into waves crashing over you. You have lost hours by being in your head. It’s 1:00 am and you just want to have that one hour of your life for that one conversation you were never brave enough to have. In the age of where communication is instant, you write a paragraph hoping someone will trip over and find it. Are we allowed to feel these strong feelings for no rhyme or reason? Melancholy is a bi*tch!. Beautiful, broken and just as bad.

So Easy?

Bleed ~ Kid Laroi

Silence is beautiful , as life ebbs and flows around you. Words like little pearls sunk in the sand of memories. Time, that old friend of yours shows you lines on your face and hands. Inside you there is a constant clicking … a switch going on and off.

It’s as if you drive 120 on the road that says 70, curving around the trees, cutting through curbs and wanting to let go of the wheels but holding on tight. Tearing and pouring into nothing, with an empty soul and an empty tank. Street lights dimming and darkness grabbing you as if you are jumping into a crystal lake on an icy day. Glass cutting through the metal, snow melting on the edge. You breakaway from the icy grip with specks of light shining on your face. Shards of glass scratching your already cold skin.

Now run through that sequence of events only this time imagine it’s not you but just your battered, bleeding, unfortunate and pathetic heart.

You know what I always wonder, how people don’t die of broken hearts 💔 more often , because you sure do come damn near close to it.

House of boxes

To Build A Home ~ The Cinematic Orchestra, Patrick Watson

I have felt a lot of things in my life, confidence was my least favourite feeling! I still don’t like it , I don’t feel good about it. Hate feeling confident in the fear that I might one day become overconfident and then people may finally see through me , this scared little fake ass suffering from imposter syndrome. Why not just keep quiet? “Don’t speak up! Why do people need to know what you think? What makes you think they care? Sit down lady and let the man or woman speak! Your idea is mediocre. Stop you are just speaking nonsense now! Why waste time with your thoughts? Move on you ain’t got this! This is way out of your lane! Stay in your lane for Pete sakes. You have nothing nothing to offer….” [now that’s just a small snippet of what goes through my head in a matter of few seconds] Fun-noe?”

I have boxes at the bottom of my bed with little art projects started and not finished. I have little books with little writings in them. Cut outs of interesting patterns! Raging Fires of creativity sloppily tucked away. Out of nowhere come these waves of inspirations where I get swept away , build a castle in the air and crash it with a good dose of reality. “Hush now, quiet! I need to go to work on Monday no time for dreaming. B*tch you got bills to pay, you cannot afford dreams. You are lucky you have a job that pays, be grateful!”

This song is that rush, the crescendo and the calm… just for now let me sit on it! Until next time. I will be seeing you around, kid.

Perfect Paradise

I watched ‘Malcolm and Marie’ last night… I texted my friend who recommended it saying “To say that I am shook is an understatement”. Reading the reviews after it was mentioned somewhere that the f-word was used 300 times. Isn’t that a feat in its own? Does it make the viewer uncomfortable? Yes! Does it make you pick a side? Yes!. The black and white cinematography does it for me. I would re-watch the last 15mins over and over again and not ‘un’ feel it.

Bad Liar~ Roses and Frey

We all are ugly and disgusting on the inside, I know I am but we do our best to wrap that ugliness in layers and layers of pretence, politeness and a smidge of humanity. Sometimes we let the ugliness show, sometimes the ugliness wants to rip open from the inside even when you don’t want it to. Some days you bottle that shit up, most days you get away with it and one day it all spills out. Worse even to the shock and horror of the people who think they know you. We are asked to always bring our best selves where ever we go or with whom ever we are. But where do we take our ugly selves that need some work?

If by any chance you slip up and let the ugly you out – will people still stay and say “it’s okay? I still love you?” Will they be gentle? Will they heal you? Will they show you their ugliness in turn? would you stay or run? Would you be gentle?

How complex are relationships… you just need one ugliness to unravel it all. Next time when people tell you the truth about themselves spare them the judgement. Be there … as hard as it might be… just be.

We were not made to be ugly, we just forgot how to be beautiful by embracing the ugliness we created within.

Run & Repeat it..

WITHOUT YOU ~ The Kid LAROI

Back in Uni I would get teased for being tooo Emo, can you blame them for it? the eye make up is all one needed to see , it was always as black as it could be. The black clothes- thankfully were not just a phase, I still pick black mostly given a choice.

Biggest mystery for me growing up was how do boys deal with break up? how do they react? what do they go through? is it all as dramatic as it is for us!

Years on …. I think listening to this song today gives me a tiny glimpse of what that emotion would be like for them. Yes it is a kid singing it, yes there is angst and yes he says “FU*K” and calls her a “Hoe”. This is for all the 17 year old boys who got their hearts broken, this is for all the 17 year old girls who broke their heart and this for them boys who would never be the same again.

Knew a lot of kids in both camps, heck what gets me is, 20 years on breaking hearts all sound the same. Nothings changed in that department I see. Lets drink to being kids at heart and for thinking back then the world revolved around us and our sad little stories. Mostly lets drink to all our innocence that we lost along the way.

No one..

Lost Cause – Hannah Georgas

I went to one of my favourite restaurants the other day, the wait for a table was for about 45 mins the waitress informed. “Lets grab a drink” said my other half. “No, I am committed to the process” I said as I watched him walk away to the next bar, I just wanted to be by myself . I waited outside, alone watching people come and go it as it drizzled lightly. 30 mins later eating my soupy noodles I felt its warmth, food to soothe my soul- it did not fix everything but for that moment everything was OK.

In Life too it seems- I have been waiting for that breakthrough as the days fade in and out, the one that will make everything seem OK, something that will fix this hole inside. I am not going to lie I wish it was as easy as waiting outside the restaurant knowing exactly what to order on the menu. No sir, this is the yearning that has been years in the making ….somehow this hallow shell of a person I have become is not who I was meant to be. I know its rich coming from someone who is sitting in the warmth of her home while the whole world is coming undone. Seems selfish, doesnt it? . I want that cabin in the woods with nothing but my thoughts with silence ringing for miles, paper and pen in my hand pouring everything into the pages and drown into it.

Cleanse myself in misery, only to come out of it as a truer image of who I used to be… full of life, love and joy. To be lost in the wilderness of emotions…to break open those boxes of memories and set fire to them to feel their warmth burn me down to the ground. Let the noises of mind scream loud…… tear open the silence. But all I can do is wait….

Stay commited to the proces……

An Army

Rescue ~ Lauren Daigle

Bear with me – this might take awhile..

Bear with me – this will only take a moment.

Bear with me – I just need to breathe..

Bear with me – stepping out for air…

Bear with me – this is harder than I thought..

Bear with me – it’s the middle of the night.

Bear with me – I just might have lost my way..

Bear with me – just need a moment to think

Bear with me – but who crossed the line…

Bear with me – this might sound childish.

Bear with me – haven’t got all the answers…

Bear with me – this is too real..

Bear with me- while I ask why?

Bear with me – I don’t see it….

Bear with me – while I find it…

Bear with me – it’s hard for me to say..

Bear with me – while I look the other way..

Bear with me – you might have forgotten..

Bear with me – while I try to remember ..

Bear with me – I am a little weary…

Bear with me – here is what I have to say…

Bear with me – what makes you think I care?

Loser’s Table….

Nothing Arrived~ Villagers (Live from Spotify)

I love this view from our couch it’s like the heart of our home, one look at it and I wanted this to be ours. On rainy days it’s soothing to just watch outside… (cliched!) but honestly there have could be a storm outside but you are looking out from your warm cocoon and nothing beats it.

When the guy asks on the song – what were we hoping to get out of this?

It makes me go – yeah, so what? So what nothing arrived?

Yeah so what, Your work sucks..

Yeah so what, You want rain on a summer day..

Yeah so what, You want to see good in bad..

Yeah so what, Your blue skies are not always grey..

Yeah so what, Your coffee has gone cold..

Yeah so what, Your feet is heavy…

Yeah so what, You smile to get by..

Yeah so what, Your world is just OK… just

Yeah so what, You sit here all day and look outside..

‘Tis’ the simple things my friend, enough to make you forget…

Pointless posts are pointless…

Cigarettes in the ash tray & Last names..

These Days- Rudimental

I won’t lie, I thought I hated this song, everything except for the Macklemore part..

How precious is the truth? And how often do we get to hear it?

Here I am again…my tongue tied… words that don’t even come close.

A season that is too familiar, so familiar that I could hear the words that were being written.

A season that comes once every decade without fail… Beautiful, Fragile and Broken.

It leaves me with the same sense of despair and mystery… another piece of truth that comes undone and another part of my memory picked and dusted as if it were a old book in the pile of discards.

Few things I still hold sacred… sacred as the truth only I know and believe without anyone having to tell me.

If only you knew mine…. the pieces I picked up, the self doubt, the now lost and forgotten dreams… the recurring dreams.

Don’t get me wrong- we are not walking through the museum of “could have been”.

Somethings are better left behind the glass windows lest you reach out and break them.

Oh the truth, the truth is hard to hold onto…

It is like writing the greatest story and burning the pages even before another soul reads it….

It is what one would call a character flaw…

Nobody lost it, so nobody found it.

As Hemming puts it “But man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated.” But someone won…

Category: Soundtracks of my life