Complicated…

Entangled don’t you think?

That is the colour of the sky when it is about to rain…

Kinda like the state of mind right now, don’t you think?

Yes were all bloody emo today and speak to me if you have a problem with that….(That’s what I thought)

For You~ Yim Jae Bum [ 너를 위해 – 임재범]

You know the feeling when your hearts been all ripped out and you feel like the pain is good enough to kill you….

Listening to this song is just as painful……

Why would we want to listen to something like that you ask?

Well because I consider myself one of those sadistic fools who finds pleasure in ripping the skin out of a healing wound…

Because I am lovely like that…..

This man’s voice is raw and aching enough to make me cry…(and that my friend is no bloody exaggeration)

He sings…..“Maybe we are people tangled in a complicated relationship”

Arent we all?…… don’t we all go out and find the worst fit…. that feels right …..but nearly kills us?

“Everyday I am debted to you”…..debts

That darn hope….that same ridiculously foolish hope…..that made us belive in the first place….that darn hope that whispered “It is going to be ok” ………that  same hope that told you the 100ft plunge you were about to take is anything but fatal….

“Debts that are too much for me to pay back”

Am I debted to you because you loved me the most? or am I debted to you because I know that no one else can or ever will?

“Sometimes like a couple”

How strange does that sound? A couple…..

But how right does it feel?

“Sometimes like strangers”

Years go by…..and it feels just like yesterday….

“Can we keep on living like this?”

Yet…..we do….

“Despite countless mistakes and separations”

Yes the countless mistakes…….those countless mistakes…..

“You are still there”

Like an oak tree that stands tall……like an urban legend that has always been heard of……but never seen…..

“I know that you are the only person, who can help me live properly in this world”

Because you right my wrongs and I, yours….

“I, in order to live without regrets should keep you by my side”

Yes I need you close if I don’t want regret in my life…….

“My rough mind and unstable expressions”

But we are like fire and moth,

“And you watching it, That is a love like war”

We will destroy what we build….break what we so painfully fix….

“Because I am dangerous, Because I love you”

Because we destroy…..

Because we destroy everything and everyone around us…..

And because we cannot stop until we have destroyed each other….

“I will leave “

and again today I close shut this story with the familiar tragic end……until next time……

Epiphany….

Today is the feast of the 3 kings…….the 3 wise men who found the little child in the manger……..who followed a star…..and found the saviour……

Little flakes...

I have had this picture for a while……I took this one when it last snowed heavily……I stood on the deserted road without a soul in sight….

I struggled with my camera, snow flakes everywhere…..

I bet if some one saw me that day , definitely would have thought I had lost my marbles….

But this is what life is about capturing little moments like these…… like in a scrap-book…….

Rise ~ Gabrielle

It was a month after I moved to a new university, a new town, met new people……… some of the friends I met there were my housemates, and we have been best of friends since………we were the girls……..the kind who were always there for each other for a chat…..for the 3am tea and toast…….we’ve been through a lot of tissues and pizza sessions together…..boy trouble…….coursework……spending days and nights in the library cramming for exams……..we used to have little rituals for everything,  like when some one broke up…….we would watch chick flicks all night…..order pizza…….drink wine……..and let the victim describe the scene of crime…….and the rest, just like detectives….analyze the case……dissect carefully each move and each word uttered by the accused…… then pledge solidarity to the sisterhood…..and pass the mandatory……”You can do soo much better” “You deserve soo much better” “You are worth soo much more” “He never deserved you babe” comments…….

In one such sessions I remember we all took a walk…….one of my friends sang  “Rise” to me…..she asked me never to forget this song…..and I never did…..

“I know that it’s over
But I can’t believe we’re through
They said that time’s a healer
And I’m better without you”

Time does heal……….no matter how impossible it seems at that moment…………the pain does, go away…..

“Caught up in my thinking, yeah
Like a prisoner in my mind
You pose so many questions
But the truth was hard to find”

Week later you still rewind and play the conversation over and over again in your head……..Denial at first…….but you know…..

You forget to smile…….your girlfriends get you out of bed….force to take a shower and suggest you wear something other than your scruffy PJ’s….they stay up with you when you endlessly ramble about “How happy you guys were” or “How you never saw it coming” “How you wish you guys never met”

“Much time has passed between us
Do you still think of me at all?
My world of broken promises
Now you won’t catch me when I fall”

Eventually you throw away all the evidence from the crime,  all the mix tape CD’s, the poetry and the sweater, the chocolate boxes even though you hate chocolates...

You pick up the pieces and you walk on……..stronger and better……..and you smile at your girl friends gratefully ……the angels who came like firefighters……who pulled you out of the black hole……….wondering why they never ever asked you to shut up…….wondering how much time they sacrificed  hearing the reruns……

“Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart”

You visit the scene of crime once or twice, but soon you forget to visit……..

I guess it is a girl thing………women bond differently……they may  go “0 to bitch in 60 secs”……..but in emergencies concerning the matters of the heart…….they can arrange for tissues……order pizza……find a bottle of wine…….grab  your favorite chick flick…….all in 60 sec’s…….. thats girlfriends for you…….

“Look at my hopes

Look at my dreams

I’m building bridges from these scenes

Now I’m ready to rise again”