Fear,
Ashes & Wine~ A Fine Frenzy
“All the same I don’t want mudslinging games”
I should know better than to pick the shards of a beautiful broken dream…
“This days are spinning circus on a wheel”
Feigned the braveness– I
Cowardice- I am thine, Sir today.
“And I’ll tear myself away”
As my incoherent words……work with my conflicting thoughts……
I beg, don’t ask me what I own no answers to…….
“So if it is that is what you need, there is nothing left to say”
I have wondered often why people say “All good things come to an end”……..do good things really come to an end?
I guess it is a rhetorical question…..I should know…..
The Blower’s Daughter ~ Damien Rice
“And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time”
48 Hours later…..
I have 2 weeks worth of memories ……which now seem surreal…..
48 Hours later…..
I wake up to what seems like a cold, empty and incomplete existence…
48 Hours later……
I know I have to pick up once again and walk on until…..”the next time”
“And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky”
Maybe in days to come I will sit down …..and find each of these precious moments to put down……
or Maybe I will do what I do best……once again lock them away and throw away the keys cause it hurts too much to remember…….
Maybe…..
“And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We’ll both forget the breeze
Most of the time”
But the irony is I set out to find answers……..only to be left with questions that I dare not ask myself……
Naively……I assumed…that the answers I seek…….will mysteriously unravel themselves……
Looking back …..in a real long time…..I wonder……. “What if”
“And so it is
The colder water
The blower’s daughter
The pupil in denial”
Sometimes you stand at the cross roads……
Your first step towards the next phase…..your shaky but new step……
Not as we ~ Alanis Morissette
I am walking in to the doors of familiarity…… though familiar it is dauntingly unnerving……
“We’re born and shivering
Spat out on new terrain”
I am walking from my little world of structure & chaos towards a forgotten world of unsettling tranquility & locked away emotions…..
“Unsure, unconvincing
This faint & shaky hour”
The return to the roots of sanity…..maybe too much sanity….
Overwhelmed with the sense of the unfamiliar………and the unknown…..
“Gun-shy and quivering
Tear it without a hand”
The soil of my identity becomes the unfamiliar grounds of my past……only too familiar……
The who I have become is a callous shell covering the who I have been…..
“Feign brave but still intent
Little and hardly here”
Here I am a stranger among strangers…….only but a known stranger….
“Day one” —————————————— “Start over again”
It is the starting over……..
“Step one” —————————————–“I’m barely making sense”
Not much making sense……
Soon I will be walking into the pages of my memories…….walking in to the known unknown……….
The familiar grounds of unfamiliarity………..
No More “I Love You’s” ~ Annie Lennox
Love Lennox’s kookiness………
“I used to be a lunatic from the gracious days”
I know there is a method to madness…….
I wanted to write about my so-called “Quarter life crises” that has become a second nature to me these past few days…..all the raging and ravings…….
Normal they say……
Is it?
“I don’t find myself bouncing home
Whistling buttonhole tunes to make me cry”
Honestly for me it’s not the “Single”, “Young” or “Not Young”, “Successful”, “Chasing”, “Dreams”, that bothers me…..
“No one ever speaks about the monsters”
What I struggle with mostly is, are words like “Integrity”, “Superficial”, “Gentleness”, “Righteousness”, “Forgiveness” throw in a few more “nessess”……
It is about the “Attitude Transplant” I am going through……
“So many monsters”
The inner demons…..
It looks to me like the human finally traded the heart to become the “TIN”
I guess am back….after a brief hiatus….
All the “Need to find myself” and moping around I have done lately….I have nothing to show for it…..
I am back where I started…..as lost as possible…..
Nothing interests me these days … music, people, books, food, kindness….
It is the mediocrity thats stamped all over my life…..
It is like being in therapy with no intention to recover, or be better…
I guess am looking for an intervention….. not at a spiritual level….but at a very basic…..human level……
It’s Been Awhile ~ Staind
A classic, what else is there to say about this song…other than pure classic……
Identity,,,,,
“And everything I can’t remember
As f**ked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve stretched myself beyond my means”
It is amazing how days go by….. then you become a stranger to yourself…….
Like sleep walking through your life…..
Being on auto-pilot……
“Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day”
Living is an art …and I wish I were an artist…
I dreamt of making that trip yesterday…….a trip to the street of dreams…….why do these memories resurface? and the songs replay?
Why do I have a picture in my note-book?
The picture of a someday……
Why are the words “Someday……you know what my fear is? that there will be no someday” written on it?
I Miss You Love ~ Maria Mena
“I’ve run out complicated theories
so now I’m taking back my words” I have made excuses …….and there is no excuse good enough……because it does not make sense……“Remind me why we decided this was for the best”…
It is not about wanting closure or solving a riddle…….I am just wondering when did that 2 second delay…..become permenent one……in that long distance conversation
“I know the distance is a factor but I stretch as often as I can” I gave in….and I gave up……. I wanted answers…….
“Don’t act like you don’t know me
It’s still me, I never changed” I did not intend the cold shoulder…..nor did I ever mean to not forget…..
Am I a mere memory now of a someday? I am just turning the pages in a notebook……and I hesitate to find that picture……of a someday…….and I will never not forget the day the phone rang on the other end of the line…..why is that virtual walk etched in my head……
Can you alter your memories? Smudge/Erase/Rewrite
I Will Remember You~ Sarah McLachlan
“I’m so tired,I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep”
Remembering is like being on a ferris wheel…..
When you rise and fall with and against the force of gravity…..
“We are screaming inside, we can’t be heard“
You scream but you cannot hear yourself…..
I doubt we can Erase/Smudge/Rewrite those memories…..
Lets not weep….for they are but mere memories…..
There are no real musings lately……none worth filling the space …..
Just empty thoughts…….
You do something to me~ Paul Weller
I go way back with this song…..
A blunt and sharp mix of emotions…
The reminiscent….remains of a memory…..
“Mixing my emotions – that throws me back again.
Hanging on the wire, I’m waiting for the change.”
As we wait ……for the meteor to hit……place everything on stand by for the lightning to strike…..
“I’m dancing through the fire, just to catch a flame – An’ feel real again”
Just to find THE “Moment of clarity”
When the world will make sense again…..
“I’m hoping to get close to a peace I cannot find “
Exhausting the inner strength to last…… finding it easy to still the rush…….and losing the state of exhilaration……
“I’m hanging on the wire – for a love I’ll never find”
Optimism is not a choice or a forte….to be picked, sieved and prepared……nor is it an armour created to save the hollowness within….
“Just to get close to, just close enough”
What if close enough is not enough?
They say-
I have to be up in another 6 hours…….and probably I’ll never be able to explain why I am still up ……
Thinking of a little soul…..
One moment more~ Mindy Smith
That little bundle of joy…..that came into a loving home…….in a land far far away…..
I remember my little cousin calling me on the phone for a name…..a name for the shiny new button….white as snow…..
We decided on Caesar……
I know it was a heavy name for a lil pup…….even tho we would never call him that,,,,,
Months on………he became this big giant snowman…..with a mind of his own……little did we know back then…..
He would steal all their hearts……
Soo much personality……seemed almost impossible ….for a mute little thing….
To express soo much…..with his big bright eyes……
“To warm my soul and ease my mind”
He filled a space in her soul……everywhere she went …….he followed her…….
The best part was how much he understood her…..like the unspoken language between her and him……something that none of us will ever know
But most of all we knew he was a kindred soul……… something in him that came really close to being human…..
I will never be able to understand……why?…….or how?
I wish I could…….
I wish I knew how my granma……felt……..I wish I could fathom how she felt or how her heart broke……..
Maybe I will never know
But most of all my heart breaks for this little guy…….who probably will never understand……why?
Why he was taken away….
Away from his home….
Away from the people he loved the most….
Maybe he will never know………
I wish he knew how much they all loved him…..
I wish he knew how much she loved him…..
I wish he knew how much she will miss him…..
Ok enough with the political angsts….and anti-human rants already!
Okay…I get it am not a revolutionary writer……well not even a proper writer TBH……..how about that for penance?
I was shopping one day with my aunt ……and this song played on the radio…….I wanted this song so bad….
All I knew was the tune…..and could remember just that one line…..that one controversial line……..
And I was hooked….
One of us~ Joan Osborne
“What if God was one of us,
Just a slob like one of us”
What simplicity…….
She blew me away with this song…..
It got me thinking…….. What if he was?
What if he was the stranger we see everyday on the way to work….
“Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home”
I have so many mixed feelings about this song….and to this day I do not know what is she trying to convey?
“He’s trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone”
Why did he strike her as a lonely figure? have we alienated him soo much?
“Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in Rome”
I find it ironical…….
I have to give it to her…..she did have a sense of Humour…….
That is what I love about him too, I guess …..no matter how abstract he is…….he has a sense of humour……..and maybe sometimes we are way to dumb to get his jokes…….
What about that one question you would ask him….if you saw him?
Honestly I don’t know……
What would you ask……
“Hi…. Nice to meet you….Hows the weather up there?”
or
“Oh well hello there…..thought I’d never see you…..(Ever!)..now can we go over last year’s finances please? I think I really deserved that Ferrari…..”
Hmmmmm how about…
“Yo, Wassup Doc…..tell us all about your crib “Heaven”… Is it poppin?”
I don’t know….I guess…I’d go…
Missing Soundtrack 