Bones

Excavate ( feat* Saint Claire) – Macklemore

Hang with me awhile, Watson.

I am at the window, staring out. You see that reflection? yes, I see her too.

It is all sort of cloudy up here. Do you know what the difference between the light and dark is? It is where you find yourself, each day.

Like a layer of sadness melting all over you, you take a deep breath and let it fold you in.

Reflect quietly – was it you? Is it you? why is it always you?

Everywhere and anywhere you go- is it you? Are you too much? Are you too little? Stop it..

Rewind- do you remember? Rework those steps. That pattern… is it you?

It is heavy , have you wound yourself too tight? Step in here, rewrite…. focus, heal and let it go.

Open that box, lift it out and gently lay it down.

Wait…..

And you wait…. do you feel lighter?

See that reflection? Yes I see her. She is there.

Standing and looking out of that window….

I see her. She is here. You are here. “I” am here.

Measuring up…

You Say- Lauren Daigle

Funny story … okay it’s not so funny.

I have had the most bizarre week which has tested me in every way possible and I have struggled literally to keep it together.

Bizarre because I sat drinking bubble tea in front of this sign by a bridge and feeling like everything was coming undone.

Funny because the sign spells ‘Cage’ and that’s how I felt at that moment caged.

Like I could no longer speak my mind or walk ahead without being watched or judged of my every move.

I truly felt like I was looking for words or signs to connect to and the irony to only be sat at a random place reading random shit!

Anyways 2 days later this song plays at the most obscure coffee shop in the most unexpected location in Hong Kong.

I was like why does she sound like Adele? And then we asked the coffee shop lady who was singing and she gave us the name.

I got back to work and when I heard the song and it truly was what I wanted to hear.

You know when the slightest thing sets you off….. tiniest thing to completely break you open…..this was just enough for the me to sit there and let the tears flow , not wanting them to stop.

I just needed to be reminded that I am not a caged bird – that I can fly if I wanted to. No one can tell me otherwise.

I am made in his likeness and I am not going to be abandoned.

I might have forgotten my self-worth but I am in the making and I will be who I am meant to be.

I am enough and I am going to reassure myself that I will come out of this blackness with nothing but faith in my heart.

I will not be overwhelmed by my weakness and will not confine myself to the patterns of this world.

I am who I am and I might break, I might cry more than I should but I will not sit down and let the nothingness take over me.

I will conquer my fears and I will move forward.

I may not have much… but I have me, an original in his plan.

I am no longer going to wait to hear words of affirmation from anyone because from the depths of my soul I know – I WILL BE ENOUGH.

Drive

OTW- Khalid

Some of the best memories I have are of us driving with the radio in the background mostly late nights because we wanted to just get out….

Sounds very BASIC doesn’t it? Well I am a basic b**** after all.

It’s those little things that you need to appreciate when it comes at a premium these days…. .

Taking turns to play each other’s playlist…. Talking about random things which I don’t remember….

That sacred silence we shared every time James Bay’s let it go played heartbreakingly….

However can I just be clear though I sucked at navigation and we had our days of missing those important exits and driving through ‘no entry’s …

All thanks to yours truly who couldn’t read maps (still can’t) or distracted the driver by talking too much… nonetheless we did fight a lot too…?!

At the risk of sounding extremely corny- this song makes me want to go back to driving in the car with the coolest kid I fell in love with……

Because it makes me feel like that girl in that car on that 5 hour trip…… albeit for 4:23 mins…..

Oh and I am in love with Khalid too and obsessed with my playlist only of him!

Where has this kid been all these years?

Staring

Skinny Love – Bon Iver

I used to loathe this song, I still kind of do. I don’t know what he is saying or what skinny love means. I could look it up but to be honest I don’t really care.

I stood waiting for a cab today and this song played and I really did not mind it.

Today I understood what the idiom “took the wind out of my sails” actually feels like- literally.

It’s the knowing ….. realising more like from the deepest part of you brain or heart (depending where you think or act from) – a simple thought , “wow, I will never be good enough will I?”

It’s powerful and devastating at the same time.

Knowing you will never fly high enough without being shot down at every flight.

Knowing that the ticket to somewhere led you nowhere.

Knowing you will never ever be able to laugh your heart out.

Knowing this is you – scarred and never complete.

Knowing you are just another number.

Knowing you are going to be as insignificant as the grain of sand in the vastness that exists.

Knowing you will never ever fall in love again with the same intensity as you did when you were young.

Knowing you will exist and tomorrow will come with more tiny heartbreaks and knocks that will become the new norm….

Knowing you can no longer give…..

Knowing you will never ever be – good enough….

Knowing , just knowing…

Till the dark..

Way down we go – Kaleo

IMG_5866
Knocks

 

I don’t know- do you remember when you were young, your prospects were boundless, countless encounters and dreams brimming till they overflowed. Growing older has shown me how arrogant and short-sighted my younger self was. Age has crept up on me faster than shot of tequila hitting your head on empty stomach.

All those boundless prospects now mere narrow roads where dreams lay trodden by reality and your opportunities now far and in-between.

The starting line of this song is enough to sum up the sizable emotions of growing weary and dare I mention old. No sane number of glasses of wine will drown the dawning sense that your options are somewhat limited now. You no longer battle the want to grow up as adulthood slaps you in your face with responsibilities and reckoning.

Time wanting back what she is owed……

Free

Macklemore – Over it feat. Donna Missal (green room sessions) 

It’s 11:45 pm and there is an idiot outside our home with a loud motorbike and it brings back some memories for me. 

So what do I do – I open my phone with music in the background that gets this clogged up brain of mine wanting to write. I must admit over the 8 years I have wanted many times to write because there will always be songs that move you. I always thought it just wasn’t me anymore and If I am being honest I don’t think I know when or where I was more authentic last and the sad reality is I really cannot remember either. But who cares? Life happens! 

Alright music is why I am here I suppose – if you are as old as me then this song here is what reality of relationships these days are or become after awhile.  I really hope you disagree with me on this for your sake my friend but if I am right well at least there is a song you can hear next time you feel shit! 

* it’s not all that bleak don’t worry* 

Would you let me. .

image

Beneath your beautiful ~ Labrinth & Emeli Sande

Paris- Nov, 12

It’s a cliche and it is Paris after all- what do you expect?

Smelly metro…… you wrinkle your nose and say how it is all better in London. (Course it is Hun!)…… we spend half an hour trying to figure out the silly ticket machines in french! (Remind me did you not take lessons? oh no we know what you did with the french lessons….. what? I am kidding!!)

Oh wait!!! They drive on the wrong side of the road…… you and I nearly get killed by a bus hardly an hour getting to the city…..

You stop me from getting killed and killing a cyclist twice within the next 20mins (lets not forget my non- existent road sense gave you an opportunity to give me a loud lecture for the next 10 odd mins- My hero!)

Just had to do the walking hand in hand….. stop at random stores…. stare at strangers.

I stare at you….. at the coffee shop – its almost midnight and we are arguing randomly over why we wouldn’t move to every new city we visit because I happen to fall in love with every single one of them. The man with bunch of roses stops by (cliche!) and you buy one and ask him to give it to me (Of course giving me the rose yourself would be a – cliche!).

You hate the art scene- I love the buzz …… ‘Not my kinda city’,  you say.  We cross the bridge as I buy a stupid lock to write our names on it, you are complaining while I fix the lock ….. you wouldn’t want anyone to know of this, you warn me. I laugh and I throw the spare key in the river.

A few oysters and a few wriggly insects after…….. we reach the Eiffel to see it lit……

Its freezing and you remind me for the umpteenth time ‘that you told me to get my coat -and how I never listen to you!!!’

The lights come on and its all magical (Cliche?)…….

Of course the next day-  I wouldn’t miss Shakespeare and Co for the world (check Before Sunset for context), you are good at navigation (we know that!) and we finally arrive- you let me have my moment. You feel out of place with the musty old books……… I hurry up and pick the ‘Little Prince’ as a souvenir…

On the train back – I think to myself ‘now wasn’t that a romantic trip’? – I hear you murmur something about being hungry….. and I smile to myself ‘Damn right it was, I fell in love all over again!’ (Of course with Paris…..Nah!! with you sunshine!)

‘Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?’

Coming Home….

Sunny Day
                                                                         Told you I will be home.

So what do you call a girl who got all that she wished for?

Honestly, I don’t know.

Dancing on my own ~ Pixie Lott Ft. GD & T.O.P

Since I am no longer dancing on my own, can I just say “Touch Wood, Life is good!”.

Let me mark this timeline as the best it’s ever been and the best it will ever be.

The best 10,000ft leap of faith ever, worth every scream and every skipped heartbeat.

Cut the cheese and slash the gooey, gushy, mush.

He says he “kept it real“

I say he kept it him.

So what if we don’t play Love songs on the radio.

So what if we threw the keys away along with caution.

We are still falling. 🙂

Play one more song…