Never really gone..

I have to be up in another 6 hours…….and probably I’ll never be able to explain why I am still up ……

Thinking of a little soul…..

One moment more~ Mindy Smith

That little bundle of joy…..that came into a loving home…….in a land far far away…..

I remember my little cousin calling me on the phone for a name…..a name for the shiny new button….white as snow…..

We decided on Caesar……

I know it was a heavy name for a lil pup…….even tho we would never call him that,,,,,

Months on………he became this big giant snowman…..with a mind of his own……little did we know back then…..

He would steal all their hearts……

Soo much personality……seemed almost impossible ….for a mute little thing….

To express soo much…..with his big bright eyes……

“To warm my soul and ease my mind”

He filled a space in her soul……everywhere she went …….he followed her…….

The best part was how much he understood her…..like the unspoken language between her and him……something that none of us will ever know

“Everywhere you are
It’s just enough to steal my heart and run
And fade out with the falling sun”

But most of all we knew he was a kindred soul……… something in him that came really close to being human…..

I will never be able to understand……why?…….or how?

I wish I could…….

I wish I knew how my granma……felt……..I wish I could fathom how she felt or how her heart broke……..

Maybe I will never know

But most of all my heart breaks for this little guy…….who probably will never understand……why?

Numb

Why he was taken away….

Away from his home….

Away from the people he loved the most….

Maybe he will never know………

“Please don’t go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more”

I wish he knew how much they all loved him…..

“You’ve got to hold me and maybe I’ll believe
So hold me
Even though I know you’re leaving”

I wish he knew how much she loved him…..

“Give me
Just one part of you to cling to
And keep me
Everywhere you are”

I wish he knew how much she will miss him…..

“Tell me that someday you’ll be returning
And maybe
Maybe I’ll believe
It’s just enough to see a shooting star
To know you’re never really far

It’s just enough to see a shooting star

To know you’re never really gone”

Stranger on the bus…

Ok enough with the political angsts….and anti-human rants already!

Okay…I get it am not a revolutionary writer……well not even a proper writer TBH……..how about that for penance?

Just one question

I was shopping one day with my aunt ……and this song played on the radio…….I wanted this song so bad….

All I knew was the tune…..and could remember just that one line…..that one controversial line……..

What if God was one of us??

And I was hooked….

One of us~ Joan Osborne

“What if God was one of us,
Just a slob like one of us”

What simplicity…….

She blew me away with this song…..

It got me thinking……..  What if he was?

What if he was the stranger we see everyday on the way to work….

“Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home”

I have so many mixed feelings about this song….and to this day I do not know what is she trying to convey?

“He’s trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone”

Why did he strike her as a lonely figure? have we alienated him soo much?

“Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in Rome”

I find it ironical…….

I have to give it to her…..she did have a sense of Humour…….

That is what I love about him too, I guess …..no matter how abstract he is…….he has a sense of humour……..and maybe sometimes we are way to dumb to get his jokes…….

What about that one question you would ask him….if you saw him?

Honestly I don’t know……
What would you ask……

“Hi…. Nice to meet you….Hows the weather up there?”

or

“Oh well hello there…..thought I’d never see you…..(Ever!)..now can we go over last year’s finances please? I think I really deserved that Ferrari…..”

Hmmmmm how about…

“Yo, Wassup Doc…..tell us all about your crib “Heaven”… Is it poppin?”

“Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the Pope maybe in Rome”

I don’t know….I guess…I’d go…

“hmmm…sorry I dint call as often as I should’ve….and am sorry I spent the last 25 years costing you….can I please make it up to you over the next 25?…..”

“Trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone….”


Silent Song….

Unplayed Piano~ Damien Rice

Often by a Window

Rice wrote this song for Aung San Suu Kyi the Nobel laureate. The Burmese opposition leader….who has been under house arrest since 1989……….under the Junta regime….

“Come and see me
Sing me to sleep
Come and free me
Or hold me if I need to weep”

Freedom…….Freedom of speech…… Human Rights….

What was her crime?

“Why i’m locked up inside
Just cause they wanna hide me
The moon goes bright
The darker they make my night”

Why was her voice silenced? why is she locked away in her home?

We talk about world peace…….we talk about climate change….we talk about reaching the moon and beyond…..

And yet we fail to secure the freedom of this 64 year old woman?

“Maybe they could release me
Let the people decide
I’ve got nothing to hide
I’ve done nothing wrong

So why’ve I been here so long?”

She said in one of her speeches “It is not power that corrupts but fear. Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it and fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it.”~ Freedom From Fear

and the price she paid was her freedom……. 14 years of confinement…….

Where are the world leaders today?

Where are the international bodies today? Where is the much celebrated UN?

What was her crime?

Her crime was that she had a dream……..a dream for a better world……a better world for her people…..

“Unplayed pianos
Are often by a window
In a room where nobody loved goes
She sits alone with her silent song
Could somebody bring her home”

All she had was a dream…..a dream to break free……a dream to free her country from misery……

Will anyone ever justify the  lost 14 years of  her life?

Will she ever walk free?

“Unplayed piano
Still holds a tune
Years pass by
In the changing of the moon”

Human race is a curse…….curse that has been cast on the rest of the world…….if not for the humans,  the world would still be beautiful place…

**Peace**

Words & Noises

Wish…..

Have you ever wondered what if wishes came true?

They say be careful what you wish for……cos you never know when it may come true….

Flaws in Science...

Small or big….wishes are wishes……. possible or impossible……

“Oh that is wishful thinking isn’t it?”

“Building castles up in the air”

“Up with the fairies again?”

A Wish……What is a wish?

Set the fire to the third bar ~ Snow Patrol Feat* Marth Wainwright

I hate the fact this song is being recongnised now…..years after its release…..just because it featured  in a movie….

Hauntingly beautiful……and the beat in the background…….reminds me of the trains passing by….and the profoundness of the distance….envelopes me …….

“Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me”

I always wonder what happens to the words that you say to people……

Because I know what happens to the words that people have spoken to me……

It gets taped in my head and I replay it……

Just like a song……I remember every word…

And those words haunt me……

After sometime…..I begin to wonder if they really meant those words? or did they just throw it at me?

And after a while I find it difficult to believe them…….soon enough I erase the tapes……and pretend like those words never transpired or never existed…..

The complexity of these words baffle me…… I fail to read between the lines…….and I deflect the words like light against a surface……unable to absorb nor grasp the true meaning behind it…….

Why cannot words be black and white…..why do they have to be cryptic codes disguised as normal sentences……

Why create this grey area which leaves color blind people like me left to navigate the vocabulary mess……

Why cannot words be used in their truest form instead of the mangled mess they are made out to be…..

“I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down…..”

All I know…

Where I stood ~ Missy Higgins

Where I stood...


“I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve begun”

I don’t know if I like what I’ve become

“But something told me to run
And honey you know me it’s all or none”

And am still running from who I used to be……

“There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening”

I did go away from it all,

so far away that I lost my way back home…

“But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do”

Coz I don’t know who I am….who I am without……

…….all I know that I should…….

And I don’t know if I could stand another………

…….all I know that I should…….

“Cos she will love you more than I could,
She who dares to stand

where I stood”

Blurr…

Blurr
Blurr...

Demons in my Dreams~ Brian McFadden

Remember those dreams where you want to reach out …..but you can’t……you are frozen, you find yourself struggling……unable to move…..unable to wake up……

Dreams…..recurring dreams……..random dreams……..fuller dreams….colder dreams……

“I search my world but I can’t find you”

Recurring dreams….like losing my sister over and over again……losing her in the crowds……losing her while riding on a bicycle……..

“Youre standing there but I can’t touch you”

Recurring dreams…..like watching my mum sitting on a table……..on the same table……watching her always….

“Try to talk but the words are just not there”

Recurring Dreams…..like walking into an unknown wedding….and leaving right in the middle…..alway at the same moment……

I can feel a sense of danger”

Recurring Dreams……like seeing my Grandma alive and watching her funeral the next moment……over and over again……..

“You stare at me like I’m a stranger”

Vague Dreams………..like building a grotto with a stranger……..

“Paralyzed and you don’t seem to care”

True Dreams……….like the ones feel so surreal that you can’t tell if you are dreaming or wide awake……..because you remember every single detail……like lines on a hand…..the table cloth pattern….the little porcelain figurines….crossings on the street

Forgotten Dreams……..like the ones you so desperately want to remember, but you are left with fragments that no longer fit….

“I search my world but I can’t find you

Youre standing there but I can’t touch you

Try to talk but the words are just not there

I can feel a sense of danger

You stare at me like I’m a stranger

Paralyzed and you don’t seem to care

The demons in my dreams”

I am the King…

I remember discussing funeral songs one day with my colleagues…it was one of those strange conversations which crop up once in a while…….a song played at a funeral…one of my colleagues wanted It’s getting hot in here (Nelly)  played while being cremated……. we laughed soo hard …I thought it was hillarious………I remember I wanted “King of Sorrow”  played at mine….. it wasn’t a funny choice but the funny part was that- I was damn serious about it………

Jokes apart……If I had to pick a song…….that one track which would define my life……. the one and only official “Soundtrack of my life”…..probably the most played song on my playlist till date…..

King of Sorrow ~ Sade

Picture of Sinatra on my work board?

No idea why this song…I could never give a reason….but it just feels right………

“I’m crying everyone’s tears
And there inside our private war”

I don’t think you need to be clinically depressed to love this song to bits…….love Sade……love her dreamy voice…..  she sings and I feel unburdened…….like a lullaby…….and I drift away……

“And all of these remnants of joy and disaster
What am I suppose to do?”

What do you do when cares are pressing you down?

“I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
But nothing would change, nothing would change at all”

Probably the truest words ever written (or sung in this case)……

Soup……ah soup…….I wish I could cook a soup that could warm people’s soul…….people I care about the most……

But yet she says…..nothing would change…nothing would change at all…….the truth is……you cannot carry people’s burden for them no matter how much you wish you could…….. the bitter truth is – we all carry our own crosses…….maybe we could be someone’s Simon once in a while and share the burden of their cross momentarily……but end of the day…..you carry your own………you gotto carry your own ….

“I have so much to do
I have to carry on”

When you feel yourself  crumbling under the weight……there is nothing you can do……but carry on…….

“I suppose I could just walk away
Will I disappoint my future if I stay” ????

Yes you can give it up……Yes you can throw it all away in a second……and walk away from it all…..

I should know better…..I should know what it feels like,  being a disappointment…….but the worst you can do is be a disappointment to yourself……..

“I’m crying everyone’s tears
I have already paid for all my future sins”

and you pay……you pay with your dreams……you pay with your time……and you pay in all possible ways that you possibly can………

“There’s nothing anyone
Can say to take this away “

Nothing…………..not a word……

“I wonder if this grief will ever let me go
I feel like I am the king”

Ever?……ever is a scary word…..scarier than never….

“It’s just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing’s any good”

What is a good day? as opposed to a bad day?

I do not know…….

“I wonder will this grief ever be gone
Will it ever go” ????

“I feel like I am the King…….

King of Sorrow………”

Colors~

Glow in the dark

I just get carried away with what ever I do…..be it talking…..writing , …..reading……..any task that is monotonous it is christmas all over for me…..(Ehem hence the lengthy posts ……I noticed)

Really short one today……blame it on the brain freeze……. not literally……

“I tried to be perfect,
It just wasn’t worth it,
Nothing could ever be so wrong.
It’s hard to believe me,
It never gets easy,
I guess I knew that all along”

Pieces ~ Sum 41

You know how kids go through their teenage angst phase……the obvious rebel in them rears its ugly head but honestly they are just kids scared $h*^less about growing up…….this song pretty much sums it all up……..and no one does angst like Sum 41………

10 years on…..  you turn down your stereo volume while Aerosmith is playing…..

10 years on……you are no longer an outlaw………

10 years on……you become a serious citizen …..who pays “you name it they have it”  taxes…..

10 years on……you leave popularity and peer pressure at high school doors……

10 years on……you drop the trainers and pick the stilletos……

10 years on……your bedroom posters are replaced with degrees……

10 years on……you understand the true meaning of “feed yourself”……..

10 years on……you lose your inner child………

10 years on……you grow up!

Epiphany….

Today is the feast of the 3 kings…….the 3 wise men who found the little child in the manger……..who followed a star…..and found the saviour……

Little flakes...

I have had this picture for a while……I took this one when it last snowed heavily……I stood on the deserted road without a soul in sight….

I struggled with my camera, snow flakes everywhere…..

I bet if some one saw me that day , definitely would have thought I had lost my marbles….

But this is what life is about capturing little moments like these…… like in a scrap-book…….

Rise ~ Gabrielle

It was a month after I moved to a new university, a new town, met new people……… some of the friends I met there were my housemates, and we have been best of friends since………we were the girls……..the kind who were always there for each other for a chat…..for the 3am tea and toast…….we’ve been through a lot of tissues and pizza sessions together…..boy trouble…….coursework……spending days and nights in the library cramming for exams……..we used to have little rituals for everything,  like when some one broke up…….we would watch chick flicks all night…..order pizza…….drink wine……..and let the victim describe the scene of crime…….and the rest, just like detectives….analyze the case……dissect carefully each move and each word uttered by the accused…… then pledge solidarity to the sisterhood…..and pass the mandatory……”You can do soo much better” “You deserve soo much better” “You are worth soo much more” “He never deserved you babe” comments…….

In one such sessions I remember we all took a walk…….one of my friends sang  “Rise” to me…..she asked me never to forget this song…..and I never did…..

“I know that it’s over
But I can’t believe we’re through
They said that time’s a healer
And I’m better without you”

Time does heal……….no matter how impossible it seems at that moment…………the pain does, go away…..

“Caught up in my thinking, yeah
Like a prisoner in my mind
You pose so many questions
But the truth was hard to find”

Week later you still rewind and play the conversation over and over again in your head……..Denial at first…….but you know…..

You forget to smile…….your girlfriends get you out of bed….force to take a shower and suggest you wear something other than your scruffy PJ’s….they stay up with you when you endlessly ramble about “How happy you guys were” or “How you never saw it coming” “How you wish you guys never met”

“Much time has passed between us
Do you still think of me at all?
My world of broken promises
Now you won’t catch me when I fall”

Eventually you throw away all the evidence from the crime,  all the mix tape CD’s, the poetry and the sweater, the chocolate boxes even though you hate chocolates...

You pick up the pieces and you walk on……..stronger and better……..and you smile at your girl friends gratefully ……the angels who came like firefighters……who pulled you out of the black hole……….wondering why they never ever asked you to shut up…….wondering how much time they sacrificed  hearing the reruns……

“Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart”

You visit the scene of crime once or twice, but soon you forget to visit……..

I guess it is a girl thing………women bond differently……they may  go “0 to bitch in 60 secs”……..but in emergencies concerning the matters of the heart…….they can arrange for tissues……order pizza……find a bottle of wine…….grab  your favorite chick flick…….all in 60 sec’s…….. thats girlfriends for you…….

“Look at my hopes

Look at my dreams

I’m building bridges from these scenes

Now I’m ready to rise again”

Alterations….

“Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove”

– William Shakespeare (Sonnet 116)

Sidewalk


I have this memory of travelling with a friend of mine, back to our hometown on a bus, it was a good few years ago………. We exchanged our iPods for fun…….

But for the life of me I cannot remember the song which played on my friend’s iPod that day……

I used to be good in remembering little things like that……. but now I guess I am growing old and senile…

What I remember though, is the song I made my friend listen to on mine…..

23 ~ Jimmy Eat World

There was something about this song…… a self recognition….an identity…….something methophorical…… Yes back then I was 22 , soon to turn 23……

“No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me”

People always say how predictable I can be……no surprises……. anyone who knows me, pretty much could tell what would be my next move…… but somehow I very much doubt that…..

“I’m still driving away
And I’m sorry every day”

3 years on I have no regrets…… I feel no need to either justify or reconcile with the past…..

“I wont always love these selfish things
I wont always live not stopping”

At 22 I was, in my very own standards what I call reckless…… I always lived and was swayed by the moment……

“Amazing still it seems
I’ll be 23
I wont always love what I’ll never have
I wont always live in my regrets”

By 23 I had learned not to live by regrets…. I became cautious…..now I live to play by the rules….

But still there is this naivety left in me……..call me a sentimental fool……..I still look at the world through a pair of rose-tinted glasses…..

So yes I understand why people say I am predictable….. but am I? I agree I am not volatile anymore…. that I have the safe choice is the best choice strategy on basically everything…. from the food that  I eat to the clothes that I wear…..

“You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?”

The truth is I am not hoping for anything……. I am one of those people who live life from day to day……not being able to tell the difference between one day from the other….. Content with knowing all that I know, which is not much, trust me on that one.

“Holding on tight
Dont give away the end
The one thing that stays mine…”

But what I have is an idea, an idea of a dream…..my dream…..and I am not settling for anything less…

Just for this once…….I am not going to take the easy way out…..

just because it is easy……..