Do without..

I was going to write today why I hate the Lion king and why I have sworn never to watch Bambi ever again….

Seemed like such a childish thing to write about….

Thank you Disney for scarring me for Life….

I don’t think I will ever forgive you for killing Mufasa  or Bambi’s mother……now my hands tremble when I walk by the video store and I see cut outs of the Lion king…..Oh how could you?

Thanks to you I never did complete my Bambi coloring book which was drenched half the time with a certain 5 year old tears….Damn you Disney! Damn you!

The Loneliness ~ Babyface

But The Lion King reminds me of a special detail of my childhood….

It reminds me of a little boy I used to know…

The boy who owned The lion king movie….I used to think he was so much like Simba…..royal and a little sad…..

I remember he went through a phase of eating with his left hand…..He loved the The Adams Family….while I loathed Wednesday….He was always so bright-eyed and ready for school, while I hated waking up at dawn and the fact we had to wear a uniform,,

He was barely 11 while he walked around like he was 20, and I was secretly so proud of him as my friend…..he was always gentle to animals and loved his fishes…. a clown who made Sophie and me laugh all the time….he always spoke to us and treated us if we were Princesses…..

His eyes had a secret….that I thought only I could see…….a secret that he never did tell me…..

I don’t remember how we first met…..but I know we will never forget him….because I know our childhood would have never been the same without him….

“So tell me how you feel
Are you for real ?”

Cold World..

What did they say about crying a river? something about building a bridge and getting over it…..

Well we build and burn bridges so often…. tell me Watson….what do we have left to fight for?

All I see are, crooked smiles and broken lights….

Icebox ~Omarion

“It’s no excuse, no excuse
But I got this icebox where my heart used to be”

Falling Star…

Sorry I had a momentary lapse of memory….

Past couple of days……when I was acting as if I was 16 again……like a little puppy……I had forgotten…..

Momentarily….only momentarily…

How Could an Angel Break My Heart ~ Toni Braxton Feat Babyface

Yes yes call me whatever you like…..

I paid the price….and I saw the scars…..

“I heard he sang a lullaby
I heard he sang it from his heart
When I found out thought I would die
Because that lullaby was mine “

I have nothing to say in my defense your honour, I am guilty as charged….

It was I, I who opened Pandora’s cursed box and let the beast out….

“I heard her face was white as rain
Soft as a rose that blooms in May
He keeps her picture in a frame
And when he sleeps he calls her name”

The wiser part of my brain had left the building….

I was a fool for wanting it all back…..even if it was just for a moment…..

Forgive me sir, I had forgotten I had missed my train…..

“I wonder if she makes him smile
The way he used to smile at me
I hope she doesn’t make him laugh
Because his laugh belongs to me”

You were right, I had no right…..

I had no right to go calling on the heartbreak lane that night….

“How could an angel break my heart
Why didn’t he catch my falling star
I wish I didn’t wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart”

Complicated…

Entangled don’t you think?

That is the colour of the sky when it is about to rain…

Kinda like the state of mind right now, don’t you think?

Yes were all bloody emo today and speak to me if you have a problem with that….(That’s what I thought)

For You~ Yim Jae Bum [ 너를 위해 – 임재범]

You know the feeling when your hearts been all ripped out and you feel like the pain is good enough to kill you….

Listening to this song is just as painful……

Why would we want to listen to something like that you ask?

Well because I consider myself one of those sadistic fools who finds pleasure in ripping the skin out of a healing wound…

Because I am lovely like that…..

This man’s voice is raw and aching enough to make me cry…(and that my friend is no bloody exaggeration)

He sings…..“Maybe we are people tangled in a complicated relationship”

Arent we all?…… don’t we all go out and find the worst fit…. that feels right …..but nearly kills us?

“Everyday I am debted to you”…..debts

That darn hope….that same ridiculously foolish hope…..that made us belive in the first place….that darn hope that whispered “It is going to be ok” ………that  same hope that told you the 100ft plunge you were about to take is anything but fatal….

“Debts that are too much for me to pay back”

Am I debted to you because you loved me the most? or am I debted to you because I know that no one else can or ever will?

“Sometimes like a couple”

How strange does that sound? A couple…..

But how right does it feel?

“Sometimes like strangers”

Years go by…..and it feels just like yesterday….

“Can we keep on living like this?”

Yet…..we do….

“Despite countless mistakes and separations”

Yes the countless mistakes…….those countless mistakes…..

“You are still there”

Like an oak tree that stands tall……like an urban legend that has always been heard of……but never seen…..

“I know that you are the only person, who can help me live properly in this world”

Because you right my wrongs and I, yours….

“I, in order to live without regrets should keep you by my side”

Yes I need you close if I don’t want regret in my life…….

“My rough mind and unstable expressions”

But we are like fire and moth,

“And you watching it, That is a love like war”

We will destroy what we build….break what we so painfully fix….

“Because I am dangerous, Because I love you”

Because we destroy…..

Because we destroy everything and everyone around us…..

And because we cannot stop until we have destroyed each other….

“I will leave “

and again today I close shut this story with the familiar tragic end……until next time……

Pretend,

Be Be Your Love~ Rachael Yamagata

This song is intoxicating, if you haven’t heard it yet here is a  tip YouTube it pronto….

“If I could take you away….”

Someone once told me….pick your battles….

Pick the battles that are worth fighting for….

Don’t stress about the whats, whens and the whys….

“Pretend I was queen”

How am I to know?

How will I know when I should give up and when should I go on fighting? ….fighting for what I believe in…

“What would you say
Would you think I’m unreal?”

What if I don’t want to know the truth?

“‘Cause everybody’s got their way I should feel”

What if I am the one who cannot handle the truth….

Worse, what if I have always known the truth…

The only truth…

“Everybody’s talking how I, can’t, can’t be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real”


Soul Vacation..

Alright all this soul baring these  past few days has left me lost for words, again!

Too much serious business….a little change of pace,,,,and a shift in thinking might help….(I doubt it)

Lets talk about opportunities? How about the phrase the world is your oyster?

Drops of Jupiter~ Train

Please forgive me if this turns out into a yet another lengthy talk talk……every word in this song should be spelled out…..like little celebrations….

Out of reach…..or shall we speak of missed steps

“Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s a time to change, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey”

You know that habit you are trying to kick off….but you can’t….because you know you would miss it too much…..

I’ll tell you about mine……….

“But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?”

Putting it right that’s what I called it…..

We will come to that in a bit……

“Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself out there?”

I could recycle the story and tell you its a new one….

Tell you  have not heard this one before….

Well it is the same old song and dance really,

“Now that she’s back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo
Reminds me that there’s room to grow, hey“

I wanted to know what it would be like to be spoken to in old terms……

Gazed at….with the same innocence….

Thought of with the same fervor….

“Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as
Plain ol’ Jane told a story about a man
Who was too afraid to fly so he never did land”

Are we all each others demons and angels? is peeking into the future the only way of undoing your past…


“Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you’re wrong?”

Ah the idealistic points of view…..the humbling of a realist,….the break points and the break evens….

“Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
Five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me?”

A complete circle….

“But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way?”

“But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?”

“And tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself?”

“And did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day?
And did you fall for a shooting star?
Fall for a shooting star?
And now you’re lonely looking for yourself out there”

Life’s complete circle….

The Odds

The Actor ~ Michael Learns to Rock

Now now don’t go judging my taste in music,just because it is MLTR, I will have you know MLTR was a great band to whom I owe my true teenage romance….

I have a very dear mixed tape which has Paint My Love taped trillion times on it……maybe that will be a story to tell for another day…

But we have many MLTR songs to play……maybe we will and maybe we won’t who knows….well time will tell…

Speaking of time……how the tables have changed…..

Not opening a can of worms or anything….am just generally surprised by the change….. Like tasting a lemon cake after a cup of coffee (which is yum btw you should try it)

No no I am not getting this right….

I am generally surprised by life…..and the change it has brought about …..

The change in me and the people I knew…..

I am surprised (that doesn’t happen a lot….believe me)

Well switch to the song….I’ll get to the point in a min….

It is a tough one to decipher….(well not really……writing it in detail will just give the plot away…..you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure this one out…..)

“He takes you out and he
takes you up
’cause he can show you so much
I go to bed and tomorrow again
There’s a lot of work to be done”

I travelled on a train one day and I met this old sailor gentleman or a seaman as they would like to be called…..who loved the sea too much….

We spoke about life and things in general…….

He commented on the Thomas Hardy book which I was reading at the time…”The Woodlanders”

I told him it was my second reading and it was one of my all time favorites by Hardy…..

As the conversation went on…..he amazed me with his wit and honesty…..

He was in deep thought…..and suddenly he said to me (what he said next,,,,,this I was not ready for)…..that I deserved to be with a dreamer…..someone who is not ambitious to take over the world….but is wise enough…..who has a big heart and is loved by all….

“He gives you gold and
He’ll promise you
The whole world will be yours
I just can tell you I love you so
Even though my odds are low”

I was astonished…..and at the same time I doubted the matter being true…..I wondered should he say this to another girl…..she would feel the same way…..like I did at the time…..How does he know me so well? Maybe he is a con artist (or just a big old smoothie who knows what to say to get the women smiling)

Anyways my destination was near and I bid farewell to the sage sailor , he wished me well and I got off the train ……Undeniable was fact  he left a deep impression on me by saying the things he said…. but what he said got me thinking……even though he pulled off the “I envision your man to be” trick with ease…..I knew what he said was nevertheless true…..

“The dirty games and the
Neonshows
This is the world he knows
Watching the stars satisfies my soul
Thinking of him makes me feel so cold”

People think I am lying when I tell them I don’t dig the ambitious wall street, suited up, Porsche driving Joneses’ and Smiths’ , oh the dirty looks  they throw when I say I rather the man write poetry that don’t sell or tend a farm and bring up half a dozen of grubby looking kids…

I imagine the looks I’d get from my family if I told them…..oh the looks of horror….quite comical……lol thinking of it just cracks me up….

Who would have thought it…….

But it is true though……I feel I am not meant to be the lady of leisure who tends to her immaculately manicured lawns….nor am I the type to be the trophy wife who dotes on her golf playing husband and is the epitome of a perfect hostess who knows how to throw a party for the crème le de creme…nor is it my wish to be the power dressing 9-5 woman expected to say nothing but razor sharp things (so sharp I nearly cut myself there)..no sir, these hands were made for scrubbing those grubby kids……and tending to a half a dozen of animals……growing tomatoes…..packing organic lunches…..wearing cotton dresses, reading books in a hammock and worrying about little cuts and bruises….

“The fancy cars and the
Restaurants
You’re just so fond of the man
Sometimes I wonder if you are blind
Can’t you see, he’s got dirt on his mind”

If only…..if only life was as simple as Hardy’s simpleton folks….

So how did the tables turn?  why do people love slotting you into little pigeon holes?

Why is high-end the ultimate end? and why is class always on top?

Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence the saying goes…..

nevertheless expectations are to be met….and predestined paths  to be tred……Or so I am told….

So don’t call me a hypocrite if I fall victim of the swanky Lord of the Mansion on the next street……atleast I wished to be on the other side of the fence….

“I’m not an actor I’m not a star
And I don’t even have my own car
But I’m hoping so much you’ll stay
That you will love me anyway”

Young Again…

Love Song ~ 311

I know people like the Cure version best….

But Moi goes for the feel of the song

Wow what a downpour today..

I’ll live to see the monsoons hit this side of the world (I wish!)

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again”

I remember..

I have this strange twisted need to imagine myself in the hospital

Doesn’t really make sense because I hate hospitals…

Just the smell and sight of them makes me nauseous

And lets just day the doctors and nurses will never be my peeps…(No offense Doc!)

Jokes apart

It could be that I spent a lot of time in hospitals in my younger days, more than my share really..

I watched my 2 of  grandparents fight their last battles there..

And even though my parents do mention in passing about my brief stint there as an infant…. I don’t ever remember  being in one…not that I would like to dissect that further…

There is something about hospitals and train stations that make feel like they reek of death..

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again”

The worst part of it all…I always Imagine myself in the hospital….

Like thinking what should I say to my family…

If I will ever get flowers delivered….

How many get well cards I will get..(given my reputation for being the most popular person{Sarcastic Watson, I am being Sarcastic} this is a real worry…)

I like to imagine who I would want to hold my hand before I die…

Even though I flinch at the thought of it all…that doesn’t stop me from imagining stuff like this…

But there is something about hospitals that I cannot get my head around…

It feels like me, the hospitals and the train stations will never make our peace..

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again”

What a depressing thought to start of with…totally not what I came here to write about..

Anyways before I digress and suck the life out of a beautiful day like a dementor..

The day is beautiful….just the way I like it…

Cool breeze, pregnant clouds looming around, the swinging trees….

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again”

Only the other day my aunt asked me the if I was scared..

Actually lot of people these days ask me if I am scared…

I know I give them the “I cannot afford to” shrug….

Honestly I haven’t given it a thought as yet…

I don’t know should I be scared?

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again”

I don’t know, it’s just not my style to be…

Maybe I am missing the point…

The world knows something that I don’t..

I know I am absolutely loco to think like I do, psychotic as my friends say….but those are just stuff that pop up in this silly head of mine…

But I got to say, the world around me has sobered up a bit..

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again”

Well anyway what shall be will be….

Where were we going with the song?

Oh I remember..

I like it….(A lot!)

It is almost perfect…in my humble opinion..

I have to run a bath….need to mull things over…

And here is me hoping to never see myself in a hospital,

Why you may ask?

Well other than the 99 other reasons I just gave….

I must say the top reason will always be that the Hospital gowns are just not my style….

“However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you”

97th Time

Ready? Not an easy one….total mindf%#K this time!

Don’t say I dint  warn you!

Pseudo-Conversations

Blah Blah Blah Blah….

Blah de blah de blah……

Confused? well let me break this down…..

You know the things you really want to say but you always end up saying something utterly ambiguous in contrast to the things you were supposedly thinking?

(Wait…….What?)

I consider myself the forerunner in the art of such non-existent conversations….

(FFS JEN!)

Ok Ok we will go into a song…….meanwhile I will collect my thoughts and figure out how I can write like an (a ahem,!) adult (psh!)  and the world can make sense again?

Someday We’ll Know ~ New Radicals

I can see it I am going to run this post to the ground by my incessant…….inarticulate f**kery!

(WTH!- meanwhile can I just interject that this is my next song in the someday series…kthnxbye!)

What I am trying to say is I cannot speak my mind……we all know this is an ongoing problem……yeah yeah I took one of those classes which was going to teach me how to speak my mind…… (Alright…alright mom I wont practise on you!)…..well surprise! It dint work……….well to really break it down I AM CHICKEN BECAUSE I CANNOT TELL PEOPLE WHAT I AM ACTUALLY THINKING!

There! (Phew!….now that was easy!)

“90 miles outside chicago
Can’t stop driving
I don’t know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later, you’re still on my mind”

Random enough?

What was I saying? ah my inability to converse about my deepest (aka I am A FREAK!), innermost (yeah right you freak!) feelings (Ha ha ha…….oh no you were serious?)

Dont belive me?

Hypothetical roleplay

(One such conversations taking place between two random people..people we don’t know! no no we don’t know them

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental….Of course! what did you expect?……this is no freaking auto bio you know!)

“Whatever happened to Emilia Earhart ,Who holds the stars up in the sky?” she asked him

“Is true love just once in a lifetime ?” he asked her back…..

“Did the captain of the Titanic cry” she questioned again

.

,

,

(You feeling me? noo? well lets continue then…..)

.

.

.

He said “Someday we’ll know, If love can move a mountain”

“Someday we’ll know,Why the sky is blue” she replied

“Someday we’ll know,Why I wasn’t meant for you” he whispered…

.

.

.

(Psst…psst……is she dumb? well you know a little bit…..meanwhile you guys see what I mean?…hmm kinda? well you’ll see what I mean when I am through with this….keep rolling….)

*

******

“Does anybody know the way to Atlantis,Or what the wind says when she cries” she blinked blankly….

“I’m speeding by the place where I met you, (he Paused)…For the 97th time…. tonight” he exclaimed!

*

*******

(I know what you lot are thinking…….it gets better I tell you….)

********

*

“Someday we’ll know,Why Samson loved Delilah” he said smiling at her….

Smiling back slowly she said “One day I’ll go
Dancing on the moon “

He stiffened and with the familiar finality in his tone he said “Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you “

**********

Thoughts in her head “I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren’t you here with me? “

::::Finito::::

SO?

Did you get what I mean?

(NO?…………..MY POINT EXACTLY!)

That enough tomfoolery for today Miss Moses!

PS: Old habits die a thousand deaths indeed! (You Wish!)

Today Never Happened..

The Cross road….

I am in no mood to write….

But the vagueness of life compels me to put down my 2 cents on crossroads…..and the frequency in which I keep finding myself at one……which is often….

Dare you to move ~ Switchfoot

I could just say the universe is at it again….

Conspiring…….throwing that special U Bend at me….Yet Again!

Betting on me to lose……

Asking me to choose between….chaos and control…..

Blatantly asking me “Who’s Laughing now Kid?”

“Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?”

My sister reminds me that no matter what, it has always worked out in my favor and I have no reason to feel apprehensive this time around just because it was not part of  “THE PLAN”!

And I have to say that my little Miss Smarty Pants is right (as always, …..now don’t go telling her that I said so….)

But how is one supposed to STOP, DROP and take that U TURN?

Well the voice of reason says……”Simple, You just do”…..

“Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistence
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and you could be
Between how it is and how it should be”

In case you haven’t noticed…..

In case you haven’t already figured it out…..

This is about….. Who I am…….and Who I could be………

And Yes this is also about ….How it is……..and How it should be….

“Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here”

Cross roads are life’s take on second chances…..

“I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before”